Fantalia: A Hero's Journey
by aerocats
Summary: Meet Alfred, your perfect storybook hero. He's got everything: good looks, charm, a sassy sidekick, dead parents... He's basically the least flawed a human being can get. Watch him as he is whisked away on a quest to save a certain prince... that's all! Seriously, that's all! Why? Did you think there would be something more! Definitely not! Heh, why would you ever think that...?
1. Chapter 1: Meet Our Hero

_**BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

Okay, hey guys. Before I start this story, I have a PSA all about Fantalia.

Here it is:

Fantasy + Hetalia = Fantalia. That's where I got the name from. Also, another thing- I know that there may be similar works out there that are fantasy AUs of Hetalia. I don't know if anyone else has used the term _Fantalia,_ but right now I'm associating it with this certain AU that is in this story. I have done drawings for the characters, but haven't uploaded them to the web yet. When I do, I'll be sure to post a link.

Oh, and Hetalia is owned by Hidekazu Himaruya. Not me. I did write this fanfiction, though, and I am mighty proud of it and love its potential. SO please favorite, follow, review, all that jazz if you liked it. Or if you didn't, maybe review why. I would love to hear your imput.

Okay, that's all. Let's cut to the chase-

Here, without further ado... the first chapter of Fantalia: A Hero's Journey. Enjoy.

* * *

 ** _Once Upon a Time…_**

A hero was born.

 _Wait! Wait! Don't go!_

 _Please, don't! I promise this is exciting! Not like any of the other fairy tales you've heard over the years! Please, this is new, this is fresh. This story won't let you down._

 _Okay, you're ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE you won't leave? Yes? Good. Now that I have your attention, may I please continue with the story?_

The hero's name was Alfred. And, well, I'm not gonna lie, he was pretty much like every single other hero you've seen over the years ( _still, don't leave me!_ ). I mean, he had all of the traits that make a good protagonist in a story! In fact, I've compiled a list just to prove you that Alfred is a true hero.

Reasons Why Alfred is the Perfect Storybook Hero:

Exhibit A.) Alfred had handsomely good looks. With his wavy light brown hair with one part that stuck up in one direction (giving him the "hey-I'm-not-all-perfect!" appearance, although, who was he kidding?), bright blue eyes that could keep a dragon's attention, and a strong, muscular build; he definitely scored in that category.

Exhibit B.) Alfred had charisma no soul could trump. Yes, he had such a "never-give-up" attitude that simply being in his presence made people optimistic. No matter what hardship he faced, he could get through it with a smile on his face.

Exhibit C.) Alfred had a sidekick for comic relief. Alfred had only been a kid when he met Tony, everyone's favorite magical sea serpent who lived on land by drifting around in a magical bubble which never popped! Although, Tony didn't quite have the same "good doer" attitude as Alfred did… He would easily give up and flop down on a bed. However, Tony's attitude doesn't matter because he's not the hero of the story, Alfred is. And Alfred is perfect.

Exhibit D.) Last, but certainly not least, Alfred had dead parents. Yes, it was a tragic event, giving Alfred scars that would never heal. He still wakes up in a cold sweat from dreams of them crying out "No, don't hurt us!" and "We're sorry! We're sorry!" They always gave him such an uneasy feeling in his stomach, like he had just remember that, no matter how perfect he was, he was simply a human, just like you and me. _This makes him easy to relate to, reader. Take notes._ That he had parents once, once in a time before they were killed by ravenous bumblebees. _What? Are you… laughing, reader? DON'T BE SO DISRESPECTFUL! DEATH BY BUMBLEBEES IS A COMMON AND PAINFUL WAY TO GO! SHAME TO YOU WHO LAUGH!_ Because of this horrible tragedy WHICH NO ONE SHOULD EVER LAUGH AT ( _I'm looking at you, reader!)_ , Alfred had a chilling fear of bumblebees. This fear was only second to his crippling fear of ghosts. Actually, Alfred was often confused by why he was so scared of ghosts. He never had seen one, but he had heard legends. But… ghosts weren't creatures to be feared. They were mostly peaceful, docile things. So… what was Alfred's need to be afraid of them?

 _You know what, scratch that. I don't know why I told you about Alfred's fear of ghosts. It's certainly not important to this story. Not at all! God, silly me, getting so off topic. Ha… ha… haha…_

Alfred lived alone. But to keep the depression that comes from that get to him, he often stayed with that-creepy-guy-who-lives-in-that-house-on-the-hill-which-oddly-colored-lights-are-seen-from, less commonly known as Arthur. Arthur was an outcast, the town weirdo, if you will. Rumor has it that he turned the bartender into a toad. Wow, don't people just love to talk? Well, I can clarify that those rumors were 100% slander. Arthur had much more creativity than _that._ He would probably have turned the guy into a toad-shaped balloon. His potential, as the last sorcerer in the area ( _But that's a secret, reader)_ was grand. Unfortunately, he was not accepted in society; instead living the rest of his days ( _which were many, since he was young_ ) out in peace with his magical friends, Flying Mint Bunny being his favorite. _Yes, a flying mint bunny is not an actual thing, reader, I already told you about Arthur's creativity with magic. Would you ever think I would lie to you?_ Today, Arthur was mixing potions when Alfred burst through the door, shouting…

 _Wait, rewind. Sorry, just thought of a better place to start this story. This won't happen often, dear reader._

 _Shall we do this again?_

 ** _Once Upon A Time…_**

It was such a lovely day today. The sun dappled the dirt roads of Smalltown…

 _What do you mean that's not a good name for a town? Am I going to have to explain it to you, reader? You see,_ _ **once upon a time**_ _, there was a guy named Richard Small. He founded Smalltown. There, story over. You're welcome._

 _Can we PLEASE do this without any interruptions this time?_

 _Okay? You're good? No more questions?_

 _Good._

 ** _Once Upon A Time…_**

It was such a lovely day today. The sun dappled the dirt roads of Smalltown, bringing light to the clumps of grass dispersed along the giant rocks marking the streets and avenues. Everywhere, shopkeepers and vendors were smiling as they opened up their businesses, excited about the customers today would bring. Laughing children played around a maypole, the ribbons dancing through the air, the sunlight casting a certain glow on the bright colors. The trickling sound of freshwater could be heard from the Small ( _named after Richard Small, of course_ ) fountain, right in the center of the town. It was the gathering place for important news. And today was Alfred's lucky day when it came to important news.

Resting under the sheltering branches of a willow tree at the edge of the town, near an old wooden fence that was splintering and decaying, was our perfect hero, Alfred. His attention was brought to a slithering figure climbing along the fence. Once he fumbled around for his "glasses" ( _an invention created by Arthur to fix Alfred's only physical flaw, bad eyesight)_ , he noticed that the odd snakelike creature had bright, glowing crimson eyes. A magical bubble of the same color surrounded the silver sea serpent. While most common people would be afraid, Alfred broke into a huge smile.

"Tony!" he yelled for his only other friend besides Arthur. (While Alfred was perfect, he did not have many friends. Please understand that this is not his fault.)

"HeLl0 a1Fr3D" Tony replied happily.

"How's your day going, bro?" Alfred asked.

"f1N3, UnTi1 aRtHUr k1Ck3D M3 0uT AgAIn." Alfred frowned at that. While Arthur was like a second parent to him, he didn't particularly _like_ his only other friend that much. It might have been something to do with that time Tony tried to eat Flying Mint Bunny.

"Well, you could always hang with me!" Tony was just about to say something that may or may not have been important to the plot when the pristine sky was suddenly covered with dark clouds, swirling ominously over Smalltown. The children at the maypole screamed and ran to their parents. The shopkeepers boarded up their buildings and vendors, and the most peculiar thing of all was how the water in the fountain froze. Alfred looked up to the sky for an answer.

And it came to him in a long and strange way- the darkness lingered for a few seconds until a new light exploded across the sky, so brilliant it burned Alfred's eyes, so colorful it casted a hue upon everything it touched. And there Alfred witnessed a dance of light and dark, a dance of the colored and discolored, a dance of positive and negative.

And that dance spoke to him, in a rather odd way indeed. A miniature human figure with the intricate, blackish wings of a dragonfly, about a fifth of Alfred's size, descended from the heavens. He wore a simple black tunic with charcoal-colored leggings. The only color he had was his olive complexion and deep brown hair, a piece of which was curled in such a way that defied physics. His face was painted with a scowl, while his eyes- oddly pupil-less- seemed to be carrying a storm: the different colors ranging from light grey to pure black, swirling around in his iris.

"Stupid bastard hero." He muttered. Alfred was relatively confused. While he may not of had many friends ( _again, not his fault)_ , he had never encountered a single person who ever appeared to dislike him. Alfred was, of course, perfect. And who could ever dislike such a perfect person?

The second force, the color, seemed to answer that.

The colored fairy was very similar to his brother ( _To be honest, Alfred didn't know at the time that they were brothers, however, it seemed pretty obvious that they were of some relation._ ) in many respects. He had the same style hair with the same odd curl, his facing the left. He had the same build, and was the same size as his brother. But they had their differences: the colored fairy's complexion was a tad lighter, as his hair; his wings were those of a butterfly, painted with all the colors on the spectrum; and his tunic was white with his leggings being a deep, peaceful blue. His eyes were pupil-less, and swirling with all different colors. He smiled and waved at Alfred.

"Don't mind my brother, please, don't!" he called to our puzzled hero. _Note: this did not make Alfred any less puzzled._ "Once you get to know him, he's really quite nice!" Alfred was unsure of that claim.

"W-who are you?" he asked. The dark fairy scowled. Now, because he was no longer changing the weather, his eyes were changed to a faded green (with pupils, giving him a more human expression). It suited him better, Alfred thought.

The light fairy decided to answer his question. Alfred noticed how his eyes had changed back to their more human state, a lighter brown which, when caught by the sun, appeared amber. "My name is Feliciano," he explained, "I am the fairy of all light, all color. My brother here is called Lovino. He is the fairy of all things dark and stormy. Our grandfather is… was the king of all fairies." Here Alfred just couldn't not notice Feliciano catching himself mid-sentence and staring down at his feet. For a second, a shadow of grief passed on his face. However, he smiled back at Alfred like nothing was wrong.

"Okay… but why are you here?" Alfred asked Feliciano.

"Because… because…" Feliciano gave Lovino a quick glance. "Because… we need a hero."


	2. Chapter 2: Arthur, the Town Weirdo

**ANOTHER EDIT: THE LINK KEEPS DISAPPEARING. I DECIDED TO JUST TELL YOU THE URL.**

 **EDIT: Added the link which disappeared for some reason. Also fixed Tony's dialogue. Enjoy!**

 **BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Aaaaand I'm back with the second chapter of Fantalia! I was really worrying about the length of this, but it turned out to be just fine! In other news, while I haven't posted any of the character designs (busy week, forgive me), I did create the tumblr blog where they can be found. There isn't much on it yet, but I'll post the link anyway.

TO THE BLOG: **Well, Fanfiction doesn't like the link, so I'll just tell you the url: officialfantaliablog on Tumblr**

Hetalia is owned by Hidekaz Himaruya... but you already knew that, didn't you?

Without further ado, the second chapter of Fantalia!

* * *

 ** _Once Upon A Time…_**

"A prince was kidnapped." Feliciano explained. "From the neighboring kingdom. He was taken… by a terrible beast!" with that, he gave a yelp and jumped back behind Lovino, who just rolled his eyes.

"Look, um… what was your name?" Lovino asked.

"Alfred."

"Alright, well Alfred, the king of this kingdom is pretty damn disappointed, believe it or not. So he called upon the fairies to scout out a hero to save this prince. And you seem to fit the bill." This was true. Alfred was the perfect hero, of course. But he was also a skeptical one.

"Wait… so why me? There's got to be other heroes out there." Lovino narrowed his eyes.

"Are there other heroes out there? Yes. Probably. Most definitely. But listen, buddy, I don't feel like tracking down some other dumbo hero when I got one right in front of me." This gave Alfred a pang of… well, he didn't know. It felt like he was useful, yet useless. Special, but replaceable. Something he had never really felt in his entire life until this moment. He frowned at Lovino.

"What if I don't want to do it?"

"Are you saying you don't?"

Alfred raised his hands apologetically. "No way, dude. I'm totally up for it. But-"

"Good." Lovino nodded. "That's it. C'mon, Feliciano, time to go back home." And the water in the fountain froze once more as the fairies of light and dark, brothers on two ends of a completely different spectrum, vanished into the clouds- one leaving a rainbow and the other a storm cloud. Disappearing and leaving Alfred very, very confused. Where was he supposed to go to save this prince? _Who_ was this prince? Was he nice? Who was the monster he was supposed to be saving this dude from?

 _All good questions. Sure do wish Alfred finds who he needs to ask to get those answers…_

Alfred was stumped. Who would even know this stuff? Who would even believe in such silly stuff like fairies?

 _Psst. Alfred. It's ARTHUR. You should ask ARTHUR._

Alfred paced across the grass. He pondered this seemingly impossible question. Then anger began to rise up inside of him. Who were those fairies, thinking he would do their work while they refused to spare him of the details like, I don't know, WHERE he was suppose to be going? My, that would have been helpful for finding the prince, wouldn't it? But no, for the first time in his life, Alfred felt like a mere puppet, the fairies tugging at his strings. Oh, such were the perils of a perfect hero.

 _Yo. Alfred. Ask. Arthur._

But Alfred did not seem able to listen in on the narrator, no; he was too wrapped up in the plot of this story.

 _Alfred. Aaaaalllllfffffrrrrreeeeeddddd. Listen to me. You got to ask Arthur. Do it._

Alfred sat on the edge of the fountain, chin propped up by his hand. How was he ever going to find out?

 _Go. Ask. Arthur._

Was this simply a quest to go unnoticed?

 _NO. GO ASK ARTHUR, YOU DIMWIT._

Our narrator was getting rather frustrated at our hero. She did not like the fact that Alfred was simply not listening to him. However, she shouldn't have feared. Someone was listening. Someone was.

"H3y a1Fr3D, Y*u $h0u1D G0 $k aRThuR." Tony told our hero.

Alfred snapped his fingers and gave Tony a wide smile. "That's it! Tony, you're a genius!"

 _Oh my God._

Tony nodded at Alfred, and the two set off to Arthur's place. Along the way, they had a little chat about the quest.

"So Tony, have you heard anything about a prince going missing?" Tony shook his head.

"n0 a1Fr3D, 1 hAv3n'T H3Ard anYtH1Ng Ab0uT a pR1NC3. HAv3 y0U?"

"No… I haven't. Quite honestly, I don't really like this whole idea of kings and queens ruling our lands." _Alfred didn't like the idea of kings and queens? But that's the perfect element for a fantasy story! You simply CANNOT have a fairytale without royalty!_

"wHat D0 y0U m3AN bY thaT?"

"Well, why do some people who were born into power get to decide how the public live? Shouldn't the people be the one who make the rules? I mean, we're the ones who are affected by these laws." _Gosh, why does Alfred care about politics? He's the hero. He has no time for stupid politics._

"$0 y0U'R3 n0T g0NNa $av3 tH3 pr1NC3?" Tony inquired.

"Of course I'm going to save him!" Alfred glanced at Tony in surprise "he's still in trouble, royalty or not. I just believe that a kingdom should be run by the people. Everyone should be free and equal under the law." Tony nodded, interested.

"V3rY th0UGhTfU1." He concluded.

As they continued their (awfully long, Arthur's place wasn't that close to the town square) trek to visit the old sorcerer, Alfred contemplated what he may think of letting Alfred go off into the dangerous wilderness to save some prince he never met. Arthur was known to be a bit… overprotective of his only human friend, the way a mother bear would be protective of her cubs. But Alfred _wasn't_ a little bear cub. He was the perfect storybook hero, and Arthur just had to accept that Alfred was better than everyone else, therefore no reason to protect him from anything. Alfred could protect himself.

 _You know, reader, I really hope that you're trying to get yourself to be more like Alfred. He really is an amazing role-model. Just forget his little quirk about actually caring about the government._

Finally, they approached the rather odd house on top of a sloping hill. The long, fingerlike tendrils of the 100-year old willow trees…

 _What was that, reader? Few willow trees live to be a hundred? Well, that is true, unless magic is involved._

 _…_ Grasped at Alfred's threadbare clothing and poked Tony's silvery magical bubble. The grass was overgrown, and massive boulders stood tall. If you looked closer, you would find what appeared to be small, bright colored jewels darting in between rocks and clumps of holly. These would be _magibugs_ , an incredibly rare species of beetle which feasted on the aura a sorcerer gave off.

 _What? Do you not believe that magibugs actually exist? Well, then I guess you just don't know any sorcerers. Humph._

The house itself was a rickety hodgepodge of all different kinds of wood, tacked on to the walls and roof to prevent the entire place from collapsing. A crumbling deck only made getting to the door more hazardous, and tall, thin stems of grass and other plants peeped through every crack. Dark vines creeped up the walls, and from inside the windows one could see flashes of brightly colored light. Clearly this house was not expecting visitors. The entire place gave off a forlorn feeling, the kind one gets when visiting abandoned buildings.

It may have looked like a dump, but this was a second home to Alfred. He didn't even bother knocking on the door, just casually swinging it open and striding inside.

The interior of the house was, luckily, in much better shape than the outside. Impeccable, actually. The entirety of it was neat and tidy, every single object and instrument having a place. Arthur's living quarters were upstairs, so the first level was dedicated to his practice of magic. While it was tiny, and the walls and floors were a depressing shade of grey, the simple enchantment of all of the bubbling caldrons, the dragon skulls and pixie wings, the large maps with sketches of where certain ingredients for potions could be found, the charts of the positions of the stars on different nights, made up for it greatly. Arthur's house always filled Alfred with an amazement that was different from the one he got when told he was great- it was more of a remembrance that he was a part of something bigger, something _more than just him._ Was he really all that special?

 _Of course he was! Alfred's just a little delusional right now. Blame the toxic fumes._

Arthur was, of course, standing at the center table that was covered with deep scratches and burns of an unknown origin, mixing a new potion. The young man stood a few (enough to make a reasonable difference) inches shorter than Alfred, something that often annoyed Arthur. His blond hair was unruly and tousled; a symptom of sleepless nights. The dark bags under his deep emerald eyes proved this even more so. He wore a navy cape, ripped from encounters with ferocious beasts. Held close to his neck by thin black cord was a gleaming silver gem, one of unknown origin to Alfred (he was not a master of gems). However, he was sure that it was had some sort of magical qualities, due to the fact that tiny shimmering pieces inside it swirled with no interruption. Arthur greeted Alfred with a snort, obviously consumed in his work. Alfred suppressed an anxious smile. Tony decided to be wise and wait outside.

"Um, hey, Arthur." Alfred decided to dodge the question. "Ummmm…. How was your day?"

Arthur looked up in suspicion. "Fine," he replied "how was yours?"

"Well, um… ARTHUR TWO MAGICAL FAIRIES CAME TO ME FROM HEAVEN AND TOLD ME TO GO AND RESCUE THIS PRINCE GUY AND OH MY GOSH ARTHUR OH MY GOSH THEY WANT ME TO GO ON A QUEST FOR THEM CANIGOCANIGOCANIGO?!" Alfred couldn't help blurting this out. Floating in the doorway, Tony did the magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a facepalm.

Arthur blinked slowly, clearly confused. Alfred opened his mouth to say something else, but decided that talking even more would make the conversation even more perplexing.

"Alfred, look, um…"

"Can I go? Please?" Even though Alfred didn't need Arthur's permission to go on the quest, he wanted it anyway. Besides, Arthur had magical supplies that would help on a long rescue mission.

"Look, Alfred…" Arthur hesitated. He knew that Alfred was going no matter what he told him. But he still opened his mouth and said… "You shouldn't go."

 _What?_

"What?" Alfred looked up at Arthur in dismay.

 _No no no no no no no. Arthur, what are you doing? This boy is an obvious hero. You have to help him out on his first quest. No no no! This was NOT the way the story was suppose to be told!_

"I just… I just don't believe it would be safe for you."

 _What's going on?_

Alfred looked just as confused as our narrator. "Safe? But I'm a hero. THE perfect storybook hero. Arthur, this is my destiny."

 _Exactly! This is his destiny! And Arthur was supposed to help him out! That's how I was supposed to tell the story! Why aren't my characters behaving?_

Arthur gave a long, heaving sigh. "Alfred… there's no such thing as destiny."

 _There is too!_

"But… but that's who I am! Just like how you're a wizard. I'm supposed to be a hero."

"First of all, I'm a sorcerer. And I may have been born with special powers, but that doesn't make me a sorcerer. The fact that I use those magical powers does. Nobody is born a sorcerer, or a hero. They work to make that happen."

"Then let me become a hero!"

"You're way too young. You'll die. Wait until you're older."

Alfred felt rage boiling inside him. "What do you know about me? What do you know about destiny? You're just some stupid old man who lives alone on a hill!"

"Alfred-"

"You haven't seen the world! You don't even see the town! What do you know about the world?"

Arthur snapped. "WELL MAYBE I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO END UP LIKE-"

"Like WHO?"

Arthur stopped short. For a second, a hodgepodge of expressions flew across his face: mostly terror and anger, but also some semblance of grief. His mouth, still open, snapped shut. For a second, he gave Alfred the most pathetic look, begging him to _please shut up please shut up please don't make me finish that sentence please Alfred just listen to me and shut up this isn't entirely about you there's something bigger I'm thinking about and goddamn it please just shut up…_ However, Arthur recovered quickly, shifting awkwardly from one foot to another.

"…Like…like all the other kids I've seen. You're not the first young person to think that they're some sort of epic hero, destined to bring peace to the world. They go out, thinking they'll be victorious and return within a month. Then… then… then they never return. Or even worse, their bodies are brought back by sobbing fairies or spirits. A bloody carcass. An infected lump of flesh. Sometimes, the only thing left of one of these 'heroes' is a bowl of ashes. They're born into thinking they can change something, and the only thing they end up changing is their life, and for the worse. It's a suicide mission."

"But… but why would the fairies come to me if they knew I would fail?" Alfred stammered.

"They don't. They think you're going to succeed. That's the thing about fairies; they always believe that every single hero will live to tell the epic tale of their adventure." Arthur replied.

For a second, Alfred doubted his willingness to go on the quest. Was he just gullible? Too full of hope in himself for his own good? Should he go, and risk his life?

 _Of course he should go! This is preposterous. He should have just gone without talking to Arthur._

But then there was the fact that the fairies would be watching him. Surely, they wouldn't let a human die on one of their quests. "Arthur," Alfred concluded "I'm going."

"No! Even after everything I just told you? It's dangerous, why can't you get that into your head?"

"The fairies will be watching me. They believe in me. They will guide me. I trust in their judgment. Besides, you can't make me _not_ go." Alfred added. Arthur shook his head on that.

"Of course I could, I'm a bloody sorcerer…" Arthur trailed off. "But… obviously, if you really want to go, then… fine. Whatever. If your body shows up on my doorstep, that's not my fault. Just take your little serpent friend with you."

"Fine, I will." Alfred, still taken aghast by Arthur's lack of support, gave him one last frown, spun around, and walked calmly out the door, Tony following closely from behind. Arthur hesitated, thinking of perhaps talking to him for one last time. But no, Alfred was too stubborn for persuasion.

 _Don't worry, Arthur. You did the right thing. Alfred will be fine._

"You think?" Arthur replied to our narrator irritably.

 _Of course! I'll be watching over him._

Arthur frowned. "I don't trust you."

 _Well, you're going to have to._

Arthur crossed his arms and pouted. "Just- ugh, just keep him alive!"

 _I will! Besides, he's the perfect storybook hero. He can fend for himself._

"Right." Arthur stated sarcastically.

 _Oh, don't be such a downer! Trust me! Everything is going to turn out just fine._


	3. Chapter 3: The Vampires, Part One

**BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Hey guys! So, as you may of noticed, this is a Monday, not a Friday. I was planning to only update on Fridays, but as I was writing I realized that what I was originally planning to make one chapter is actually much more palatable as two. So, to keep me from just sitting around, waiting to post this on Friday, I decided to just update today. Enjoy!

Also, I've noticed that the letter "a" in Tony's speech have been disappearing. This was because I've been using the "at" symbol used in e-mail for them. However, I have since stopped, and edited the past chapters so you can see when he uses the letter "a".

Another thing: you may of noticed that this story now has a cover. I finally actually drew something! Yay! Anyway, I posted a transparent version on the Fantalia blog, in case you want to check out the design or something.

Anyway, onto the story!

* * *

 ** _Once Upon A Time…_**

Alfred's life TRULY began.

It was as if everything was born anew. Suddenly, the sky was bluer, the clouds brighter and puffier. The grass was greener, and the leaves swayed with life. As he descended from Arthur's hill, oh, Arthur's lonely, lonely hill, he could feel the sun seep into his skin and the crisp air coarse through his body. He could see his destiny now. He would rescue the prince, he would battle the monster and he would return home victorious, living a long life basked in the glory of his success. Most of all, he would prove Arthur wrong. How could that stupid old wizard whose shut himself out from the world for YEARS know _remotely anything_ about the world? Or Alfred himself? Sauntering up to the perfect hero, dictating what would happen if he seized his destiny. Acting like he knew more about Alfred than Alfred himself did! Stupid, stupid old man! Alfred knew Alfred MUCH more than Arthur did, and Alfred knew that Alfred was a HERO. No old has-been with talent but a disliking of people and sunshine would get to Alfred. No way indeed. He would find the prince, slay the monster, and save him. He would return as the rightful best hero in the entire world. He would show Arthur that-

"h3Y, a1Fr3D" Tony interrupted his thoughts "i Ju$T r3a1iZ3D, W3 n3V3R a$k3D aRTh3r wH3R3 tH3 pR1NC3 wA$."

"No, no we didn't!" Alfred realized that he had no idea where he was going. Or who the prince was. Or, you know, who kidnapped him.

 _Oh shit._

"wHaT ar3 w3 G0nnA d0 n0W?"

 _Oh SHIT._

"Umm," Alfred glanced around "I don't really know."

 _Great. Way to go, Arthur. Way to FUCK UP my story! I can't believe this. Arthur was supposed to provide all the exposition! But no, he had to let stupid COMMON SENSE and CARING HUMAN NATURE into the picture! 'Oh, Alfred shouldn't go on some quest, he's way too young.' 'Oh, destiny isn't real, it's just a lie we tell kids.' 'Oh, you're gonna get killed, just like every other 'hero' before you.' WHO CARES, ARTHUR! IT'S JUST A STORY! BESIDES, ALFRED HAS GOT ME TO LOOK AFTER HIM! IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIS WELL-BEING AND AM ONLY INTERESTED IN GETTING POPULAR BY TELLING A FRESH NEW VERSION OF THE CLASSIC FAIRYTALE! I'LL KEEP HIM SAFE! SAFER THAN YOU DID WITH-_

 _Okay. You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm not gonna just let some flaw ruin my entire story. No, I'll just… improvise._

 _Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Just hang on. Don't go anywhere, reader!_

Alfred frowned. He had this odd feeling inside… sure; he had to make choices in his life before. But this felt… different. Like there were no strict choices: there was nothing planned for him, no destiny. Was this how Arthur felt all the time?

 _Hold on. Got it. I just need…_

What should he do? What could he do? Great. His first five minutes of freedom, and Alfred was stumped on what to do.

 _Fairies! Come here! I need you back in the story!_

He felt like there should be a distinct route. Something… was wrong.

 _FAIRIES! C'mon! Back in the story!_

But the fairies did not come, making our narrator even more frustrated.

 _Ugh, where are they? It's not like they have anything better to do. COME ON, FAIRIES! MOVE IT!_

Alfred was just thinking of turning back when someone came to his rescue-

(Here's a hint. It wasn't the fairies.)

 _Goddamn it!_

A whisper came from the trees behind him. "Follow me." It said. Alfred turned around, stepping back in panic. "Who said that?" he questioned.

 _Yes, WHO DID SAY THAT? I didn't plan for another character to enter the story so soon! The fairies were supposed to come! Oh, why won't anyone listen to me?_

"Shush." The voice commanded. "I'll introduce myself… later. Just come with me." Alfred squinted, finally making out a dark cloaked figure hiding in the tree branches. He wondered how this shadowy form got up there.

But Alfred was hesitant. "How can I trust you?"

There was a long pause. "Just… please… follow me." The voice quivered. Alfred gave Tony a sideways glance. Tony did the magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a shrug.

 _Alfred! Alfred! Listen to me! Don't trust whoever this guy is! Don't! Under any circumstances! He's not a part of my story!_

But Alfred would not, no, could not, listen. Instead, he gave the shadowed figure a slight nod. Although our hero could not see it, the figure smiled. It leaped down from its shelter in the branches, making its way through the forest. Alfred tentatively followed. Tony floated a good twenty feet behind him, checking their trail in case anyone would dare to follow.

For the entire trek through the dense woodland, the shadow did not speak. In fact, it didn't even look back. Alfred was surprised at this. He thought that perhaps the figure would want to get to know who it was leading through the forest. After all, it did seem like it wanted Alfred to follow it pretty badly. So why all the mystery? After about five minutes walking in silence, Alfred decided to be the first to break the ice and ask the questions.

"So… what's your name?"

No reply. Alfred frowned.

"I, ah, said, what's your name?" Still no reply. Alfred decided to change subjects. Perhaps the figure didn't have a name, and therefore couldn't reply to his question. Yeah. That made perfect sense.

"Where do you live?" Alfred tried again. No answer. Was this figure _purposely_ ignoring him?

"Why did you want me to follow you?" No response. Alfred was beginning to feel a bit agitated. So this odd shadow guy just pops out of nowhere, orders him to follow him, but doesn't answer any of his questions? _Fine,_ Alfred thought. _He won't answer me? Well, I'll just keep asking questions!_

 _I have no idea what Alfred's logic is. He seems to think that annoying the hell out of someone will get them to speak. Which, giving him credit, probably will. But it could also end up with him getting punched in the face. Don't use this tactic at home, reader._

"Hey, shadow-man thing. What's your favorite color?"

"Do you like people?"

"If I had a sword on me, would you freak out?"

"How old are you?"

"Do you hang around forests often?"

"Do you enjoy nature?"

"Is it your profession to not talk?"

"Are you, like, setting a record or something?"

"Do you always wear that cloak?"

"Are you a hero?"

"Are you a prince?"

"Do you need help with something?"

"Are you a sorcerer?"

"Are you a ghost?"

The figure swung around on that question. Through the opening in its cloak, Alfred could see the horrified expression on its face. Its –no, _his,_ he was clearly male- crystalline blue eyes shone through the darkness, like tiny shards of a clear sky, wide with shock. His pale face, with stubble at the chin, seemed to conflict with the sun. Some strands of his hair could be seen, a glossy blond color. He stared back at Alfred with the saddest expression our hero had ever seen. For a few seconds, time seemed to stop.

 _Who is this man! He's not a part of the story! What's going on?_

"I-I'm sorry." Alfred stammered, unsure of what he was apologizing for.

"That's okay. Just- be quiet and follow me." The man replied. When he opened his mouth Alfred could see quite clearly his teeth- sharp, sharper then human teeth could ever be. His canines looked the most lethal- they were not mere teeth, but fangs. Alfred's heart started to pound. No. All the signs pointed to what he was thinking: the pale skin, the fangs, the love of heights, the black cloak. He had heard the legends, the things Arthur used to tell him, the cautionary tales to stay away. But here he was, face to face with a…

 _Vampire! That man is a vampire! No no no! This cannot do! No vampires in my story! This is a fairy tale! Alfred, turn around right now!_

Alfred was dumbstruck. Was he really going to follow a _vampire_? He would be insane not to turn around. He gave Tony a helpless glance. Tony pretended not to notice.

 _Tony! Tell Alfred to turn around!_

Tony did nothing.

 _Tony! TONY!_

For some reason, Alfred was not going to turn around. He… he felt like he had to follow this strange vampire, as if it was his destiny. And there was… something else. Something that told him to trust the oddly cloaked figure, as if he… knew him from long ago.

 _Is Alfred INSANE! WHAT IS HE DOING! Ugh, this story is going to the dogs! Reader, if you would like to put this fairytale gone wrong down, I won't blame you. Personally, I would really like to stop telling it._

 _But I won't, because I can fix this. Yeah… I can totally fix this! No worries! I just have to…_

 _Oh, who am I kidding? It's all gone to hell._

The next fifteen minutes were spent walking in silence. Alfred didn't want to anger the vampire, so he shut up. The cloaked figure quickened his pace. Our hero had to jog to keep up. In his head, a storm was brewing.

'Alfred !' the sensible side of Alfred commanded. 'Turn back immediately! Remember what Arthur told you? VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE SOULS. He will EAT YOU ALIVE.'

'Then why hasn't he yet?' the reckless side of Alfred questioned. 'I mean, there's not a soul in sight! If he wanted to eat me, he might as well!'

'I bet he's waiting to get to his pack, so they could all FEAST on your CARCASS.' The sensible side of Alfred retaliated.

'That's werewolves, not vampires! Besides, I just have… I just have a feeling that he means the best for me.'

'So you're going to just go with this stupid feeling?'

'I… yeah. Yeah, I am.'

Finally, the cloaked figure stopped. Alfred glanced around. They weren't anywhere. No houses or any signs of life were in sight. There was only a clearing in the center of the woodland, but even that was overgrown and wild. Alfred nervously glanced at the vampire. He seemed focus, and alert, fatigue from their walk not taking any toil on his senses. Why would he bring Alfred here?

'To eat you.' The sensible side of Alfred concluded. Our hero's breathing began to speed up. His palms were moist and clammy.

 _Alfred, get out of there!_

But he did not run. No matter how foolish it was, he trusted this odd man, for some reason or another.

 _Why do I even try to add sense to this?_

The vampire turned to him. Alfred caught his breath. This was it. In five minutes, he could be dead. Alfred wondered what happens when you die. He knew that some people can get a sorcerer to brew a potion for them that will turn them into a ghost. Surely Arthur would do that for our hero. But what if Alfred didn't become a ghost? He supposed it would be almost like sleeping, but you would never wake up. Just an endless darkness, as the living cast you underneath the ground to perish. Arthur believed in heaven- a place where you become an angel after you die. But he also believed in hell, a place where you would undergo endless suffering for the rest of eternity. Obviously, Alfred would go to heaven, if it even existed. But what about hell? Was the vampire in front of him a creature of the place? Could he be sent onto Earth to lead heroes like Alfred into the forest, making them trust him, and then killing them? Our hero shivered.

"Do you even know my name?" The vampire broke Alfred's thoughts. Alfred shook his head. "It's Francis. I suppose you don't-" Francis glanced to the side, catching himself mid-sentence. "I'm taking you to see a friend. He can help new heroes like you."

"Why?"

Francis looked back at our hero. "What?"

"Why… why are you helping me?" At this, Francis stared down at the earth.

"I believe that that question would be better for all of us to go unanswered."


	4. Chapter 4: The Vampires, Part Two

**_Once Upon A Time…_**

 _My hero has run off with some stupid vampire!_

 _This cannot be happening! This simply CANNOT be happening! My story is falling apart! Oh, my beautiful, lovely fairytale retelling. You had so much potential. I worked so hard on you. Crafting you… telling your tale. But oh, now it's all gone. All gone. Because one DUMBASS HERO couldn't just FOLLOW THE PLOT._

 _I can't even watch. It's too horrific._

"Wait, so why did we just stop here?" Alfred asked. Francis gave the slightest grin. Tony, who had been following along casually, was very bored and expressed this by bumping into Alfred with his magic bubble.

"Watch this." He struck the grassy earth with his foot, and then glanced up at Alfred, awaiting a response.

"Um, okay?" Alfred had begun to wonder just how sane Francis was.

"tH1$ maN 1$ CrAZy." Tony stated eloquently.

 _Yes! Alfred, that man is HIGHLY DANGEROUS due to his LACK OF SANITY. PLEASE RUN AWAY AS FAR AS YOU CAN FROM HIM._

Instead of doing what our narrator instructed, Alfred gasped.

 _What?_

It started small. Small cracks formed in the hard-packed dirt under Francis's boot. They grew and grew until the earth itself was splitting open, particles of dust covering everything. Alfred's eyes stung and began to tear up. Tony did not have the same problem, being contained in a magical bubble.

The debris cleared to reveal a giant tunnel extending down into the ground, curving at the bottom until fully flattening out into a cave. Francis was waiting at the edge, wearing a small smirk.

"Dude… YOU JUST MADE THAT TUNNEL APPEAR OUT OF NOTHING! That is AWESOME! How did you learn to do that?" Alfred ran up to Francis in excitement. "Can you teach me? That would be AWESOME!" He screamed.

"I didn't do that," explained Francis. "I have a friend who's a sorcerer. He created this."

Alfred looked up in surprise. "Is your friend named Arthur?"

"No!" Francis yelped. "No, he's… he's not Arthur."

"Okay?" Alfred was a little surprised at Francis's startled response.

 _How does this weird guy know Arthur? HAS HE BEEN MESSING WITH ALL MY CHARACTERS? IS THAT WHY THEY'RE SO SCREWED UP?_

"His name is Vladimir."

"Is he a..."

"Vampire? Yes."

"But how can he be a sorcerer then?" Francis gave Alfred an apprehensive glance.

"Do you know how vampires work?" Alfred shook his head.

"Well," Francis explained. "Anyone, of any species, except for ghosts, is prone to becoming a vampire. All they need is for someone who is one already to bite them. For the span of about five months, they will undergo some physical changes -not to mention their newfound immortality- like fangs and the loss of need for food or water. Instead, their body only needs one substance to live: blood. They have to learn to hunt down prey and drink its blood. Due to this newfound demand of living creatures, vampires are naturally faster, stronger, and more agile than humans, as well as most other creatures. We can jump higher and cling onto surfaces with more ease. When we find our prey and feast on its blood, we kill it," he paused for a second "we _cannot_ turn it into another vampire."

"Has a vampire ever tried to not drink blood?" Francis froze, but recovered quickly.

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"A vampire will die without blood." Francis simply responded, not completely answering Alfred's question. "But, you have to understand that a vampire, after consuming the substance, will go into a sort of high. Their senses will be dulled, along with their morals. A vampire will… attack anything they please, making them highly dangerous."

"Oh…" Alfred trailed off. "I suppose that explains it, then."

"Explains what?"

"Nothing… just this story I used to hear from… a friend." Alfred didn't dare mention Arthur's name due to the shaken expression on Francis's face when he did earlier. "They said that vampires don't have souls."

"Really?" Alfred was oblivious to the vampire, obviously hurt by that statement. "I see."

"a1Fr3D, $hUT uP." Tony sensed Francis's discomfort to what our hero said. But, alas, Tony was ignored.

"But, I mean, that's not true."

"No, it isn't."

"Obviously not, because you've been pretty friendly to me, right?"

"Yes. Let's go in now." Francis gestured to the tunnel. As soon as he saw our hero follow, he jumped with no hesitation into the dark abyss. Alfred looked down, surprised to not see a bloody splat on the ground. Instead, he saw Francis, calling up to him.

"There's a rope over there!" he yelled. It took Alfred a couple of seconds to realize that yes, there was a sturdy rope leading down into the tunnel. He grasped it with both hands, ignoring the burns on his palms. Looking at the distance between him and the ground, Alfred began to feel quite lightheaded.

 _Oh my god what the hell is he doing. Why? Why does he feel the need to CLIMB INTO A PRETTY MUCH VERTICAL DROP TO FOLLOW A VAMPIRE FOR NO REASON? I swear I will never understand these characters. It's almost like they're human!_

Inching closer and closer to the end of the tunnel, Alfred's palms started to swear. He caught his breath a couple of times as the rope he clung onto would shake under his weight. However, he persevered, like any true hero would. Finally nearing the bottom, he jumped, the impact of the fall stinging his feet. Wincing, he turned to Francis for direction. Tony, the sly motherfucker, was already waiting there due to his amazing bubble powers that enabled him to just float down. The vampire gestured his head at… at probably the weirdest dwelling Alfred had ever seen.

It was run down, and not that well kept, but it made up for that in its grandeur. Inside the enormous cavern the tunnel led to a colossal mansion. It stood at least five stories high, yet the sides were caving in and falling apart. Mammoth slabs of wood, as well as some magic, seemed to be keeping it up more than its original foundation. The little rose-red paint that was left on the exterior was peeling. The stained glass windows that weren't shattered yet, while beautiful in their own respects, were covered in dust. The entire place had an abandoned feeling, but also a certain allure to it: the house was a house of mystery, a house to explore. Without hesitation, Francis swung open the front doors to reveal even more decay. Alfred nervously creeped in, glancing everywhere he looked just to take it all in. The main hallway used to be completely covered in this flowery wallpaper, now most of it had fallen to the floor or chipped. Odd, intricate designs were drawn on the walls in black paint. Some looked like spiderwebs, but with much more depth. Others were of symbols Alfred had never seen in his life, written on the walls like a long-lost alphabet.

The wooden floors creaked under Alfred's old leather boots. He saw a large black creature lurking in the corner of his eye. Swinging his head around to get a better look, he jumped back in surprise as to see that it was a black dog, some breed of shepherd. It had a white chest and deep brown eyes. As it stared at our hero he felt a shiver go up his spine. "Um, Francis," he tried to explain "There's… a dog… in the house." Francis stiffened and turned around to see what Alfred was talking about. Tony gave the magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a hiss.

"Oh, yes." He gave a nervous laugh. "That… thing… would be Vladmir's. His name is Prieten." The vampire's eyes, filled with disgust, lingered on Prieten for a while.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing!" Francis said hastily. "I just never really… liked dogs. Honestly, they can be a bit overbearing."

"But they're so friendly!" Alfred bent down to pet the lovely Prieten. Tony gave the friendly dog the magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a staredown. Prieten gave a happy bark.

 _ALFRED! You don't know where that dog has been! He could be carrying diseases around! He could bite you! Why are you so keen on disobeying me?_

tHat'$ 1T, y0U fUCk1NG b1tCh!" Tony was so done with this shit. He steered his bubble into Prieten's side, slamming it and slamming it repeatedly. Prieten gave a happy bark, and started swatting Tony's bubble as if it were a giant ball.

"AHhHhhhHhhH a1Fr3D H3lp M3!" Our sea-serpent friend screamed as he somersaulted across the floor.

"Aww, look Francis! They're bonding!" Alfred smiled. Francis gave our hero a concerned look.

"What's going on in here?" A tall man entered the room, presumably Vladimir. The first thing that stood out to Alfred was his eyes. In the darkness of the house, they appeared to be a blood red. However, apart from that, he gave off a calm demeanor. He had light brown hair, cut shoulder-length and rather choppy: some strands distinctly longer than the others. A tiny red hat with long ribbons attached to it was pinned on the right side of his head, something that looked kind of silly to Alfred. He wore a dark red cape that made him appear larger than he actually was.

"Francis!" he grinned (showing off his frighteningly large fangs), not acknowledging Alfred at first. "How have you been?"

"Good, good." Instantly, Francis was more outgoing, or at least certainly louder. "How's your brother?"

"Fine. Hasn't stopped by in a while, do hope he's fine."

"Stop worrying! It's only been a week since you two have met up! C'mon, he's a young vampire, it's natural for him to want to see the world."

Vladimir chuckled. "That doesn't mean I have to like it. Anyway, Georgi hasn't come over anytime this week. Have you seen him at all?"

Francis smirked. "I last saw him chasing around some fairies with a stick. Does that count?"

Vladmir howled at his remark. Alfred began to feel quite awkward. He didn't know any of these people, or what made this so funny. "Classic Georgi. But guess who did decide to stop by? Elizabeth."

There were a few seconds of silence. Finally, Francis replied "Aw, she's not so bad."

"Well, it wasn't her idea to visit me. She's traveling with that shadow assassin, Gilbert."

"Wasn't she a fairy? I know Gilbert, and he doesn't seem to be the type to let fairies tag along."

"She _used_ to be a fairy. She lost her wings and became a knight. Now she's traveling all around the world."

"What? Why would she do that?"

"Well, you know fairies. They assist heroes, but don't become ones."

"True, true."

Finally, Vladimir queried about Alfred's appearance. "Who's this?"

"This is Alfred. He's an amateur hero, and needs help." Alfred felt a twinge of annoyance. So maybe he had never gone on a quest before. But he was the perfect storybook hero, not just some amateur!

"Was he one of those…?" Francis held up a hand to silence Vladimir, giving him a warning look.

Alfred decided it was time to take control of the conversation. "I'm wondering if you've heard of any prince disappearances. You see, these fairies kinda told me to go on this quest to save a kidnapped prince, but they never told me who he is, or what kidnapped him, or where this thing may be."

Romania paused for a second, thinking. Finally, he replied. "Actually, prince Feliks apparently disappeared in the middle of the night. Rumor has it that he WAS kidnapped. Shame, really. He was going to be married the morning after to Princess Lucille Bonnefoy.

Francis stiffened and gave a low growl. "I'm actually very glad the wedding never occurred." Vladmir gave Francis a sympathetic look.

"She… she was my sister, you see." Francis explained to Alfred, who was clearly confused.

"You were born into royalty?"

"Yes… I was, unfortunately. After I was bitten, well… it just wouldn't have been appropriate for the king and queen to have a vampire as a son. So I was presumed dead, and cast away." He glanced to the floor. There was a long pause before Francis said, "It just isn't fair, these royal marriages. I know how they work. It's so… horrendous. There's no love involved, none at all. Just two poor young people forced to be together to settle some dispute." He smiled. "Lucille hated the thought of them. I bet she's very relieved that she didn't have to tie the knot yet."

Alfred nodded, smiling. He decided not to mention his thoughts on the monarchy. "So, who do you think kidnapped this prince?"

"Well, if I can bet anyone, I would bet it was Ivan who took him." Vladimir replied.

"Ivan?"

"Yes. He's an infamous yeti. I would be surprised if he wasn't behind this."

"Would you happen to know where he's located?"

"Of course! He lives in a great castle in the north, the most frozen tundra in the entire kingdom. Legend has it that he is ten feet tall, and wears a scarf sewn from the skins of his enemies!"

 _Finally! Our antagonist enters! Perhaps this story has SOME hope left!_

Alfred shivered at the thought of this "Ivan". He sounded like a pretty powerful enemy. But he was the perfect storybook hero! He could conquer anything!

"Can you give me a map of where I can find this beast?" Vladimir smiled. He disappeared into another hallway for a second as Alfred heard a ripping sound. When he returned, he was clutching a piece of wallpaper.

Giving it to Alfred, our hero realized that a map was crudely drawn on it in black paint. He frowned, as he could hardly read it. "Are you sure this will lead me to this monster?"

"Of course!" Vladimir waved his hand, and the black lines began to thin and transform. More colors were added to the blank spaces within, and lettering appeared. In only a couple of seconds, the original piece of wallpaper was now a professional-looking and elaborate map.

Alfred grinned. "That was amazing! Thanks, Vladimir."

"Please, call me Vlad."

"Thanks Vlad!"

"Also, I think it would be good for you to have a copy of this," Vlad thrusted a large book into Alfred's hands. "It's a must-need for every hero."

Alfred read the title: _HEROISM FOR DUMMIES_ "Wow, this looks great!"

"Well, you really should get going. This quest isn't going to complete itself, right?"

"Right!" Alfred shook both vampires' hands. "Thank you again, Vladimir! Thank you, Francis!"

"Best wishes, Alfred!"

"Good luck!"

He began to turn and walk away. Tony, very shaken up from Prieten's playful attitude, angrily followed.

"wHat T00k y0U $0 L0nG?" Our angry sea-serpent friend demanded an answer.

"Hey, Tony," Alfred contemplated. "I think I just made some… friends."

"L0v3ly. I waNT t0 bRUtalLY mURd3R tHAt d0g."

Alfred laughed. "You're so funny, Tony."

* * *

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

What's this? An author's note AFTER the chapter! Blasphemy! Anyway, the reason why I didn't put it before what I wrote was because of spoilers. And that would suck if the author spoiled the chapter before you got to read it.

Vlad's dog is a Romanian Raven Shepard Dog. His name is Prieten, which is Romanian for "friend". Please note that I do not know Romanian and that I got this translation from an online dictionary. If it is incorrect, please let me know in a review.

Also: I wasn't able to find a human name for Bulgaria, so I gave him the name "Georgi", due to that being a popular Bulgarian name for a boy (or at least according to the website I got it from). The same thing happened with Lucille, as there is no canon name for aph Monaco. So I used a popular Fanon name. Moldova is mentioned as "Romania's brother".

Another thing: I know how Romania's hair is described as strawberry blond in the anime, but brown in the manga. I decided to go with a light brown because... well, with all the pictures of Romania that I've seen, his hair looks more like a light brown. Idk, consider it artistic license.

Please fav and follow if you enjoy this story! And feel free to review! Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5: HEROISM FOR DUMMIES

**BEFORE THE STORY: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE**

I kinda like adding these author's notes at the beginning of each chapter. I don't know why, I just like it.

Anyway, this chapter will be a bit different, but do not despair: your regularly scheduled Fantalia will continue next chapter.

The only other thing I want to address is the numbering. The formatting seems off? Idk, I'll try to fix it.

Please follow, favorite, (only if you like this fanfic) and review!

* * *

HEROISM FOR DUMMIES: A GUIDE TO BEING THE PERFECT STORYBOOK HERO

 _By Richard Small, founder of Smalltown._

Hey there, heroes and heroines (please note: when we use the word "hero" in the rest of this book we are referring to you too, ladies) everywhere! Are YOU ready to become a hero? Sure you are! Why else would you be reading this? If you just picked this book up randomly because you're bored or you're a nerd and have nothing better to do, PUT IT DOWN RIGHT NOW. THIS STRICT MANUAL IS ONLY INTENDED FOR TRUE HEROES! 'But,' you may be asking, 'what exactly IS a hero?' Well, here's your answer:

A **hero,** is, by definition, someone who shows valiancy and sacrifice when doing a good deed. 'But,' you may be thinking 'doesn't that make most people a hero? What's so special about being a hero then? What's the point of this book?' Well, you see eager beaver, there's a clear difference between **normal heroes** and **storybook heroes*.** A storybook hero is a hero whose deed is grand, and not obtainable to normal people. Classic storybook heroes include King Arthur of Camelot, Beowulf, and me, Richard Small! 'But,' you may be thinking, 'I've never done a good deed in my life! I'm not even a normal hero, never mind a storybook one!' Well, that ends TODAY. TODAY, you learn to be a storybook hero and even go on the quest of your dreams!**

Now, heroism is a hard gig. Most kids die. Whoa there, don't worry! YOU won't die, because YOU'RE reading this!*** But, you may be asking, what exactly is this book going to teach you? Doesn't heroism take years and years of good deeds? Well, yes. But, with this book, I can assure you that you won't die a painful, horrendous death. Instead, you're gonna learn every tip and trick that can ensure your success on your quest! Personally, I know that my journey to slay the Narwhal of All Sins**** would have been MUCH easier with this handy guide! To make your questing easier, I have arranged this book into twenty six easy chapters to read.

 _1._ _What to Bring_

 _2._ _How to Deal With Other Heroes_

 _3._ _Wild Creatures You May Find_

 _4._ _What to Do in Emergencies_

 _5._ _Trusting Strangers_

 _6._ _How to Not Get Off Track_

 _7._ _Dealing With Internal Turmoil_

 _8._ _Crossing Bridges_

 _9._ _Dealing With Your Sidekick_

 _10._ _What to and to NOT Put in Your Mouth_

 _11._ _All About Me, Richard Small (Because I Got Bored Writing This)_

 _12._ _What to Do With Strange Cats (?)_

 _13._ _How to Hit Yourself in the Face to Stay Awake_

 _14._ _All About Potatoes_

 _15._ _Dealing With Boredom (Heh I Need That Right Now)_

 _16._ _When You Eventually Get There_

 _17._ _Storming the Castle_

 _18._ _Defeating the Beast_

 _19._ _Gutting the Beast_

 _20._ _Eating the Beast's Remains_

 _21._ _Saving the Princess (and NOT Eating Her)_

 _22._ _Getting Rejected When You Ask Her Out_

 _23._ _Throwing a Crazy Party_

 _24._ _Giving All the Credit to Richard Small_

 _25._ _Getting Back Home_

 _26._ _The Happy Ending_

As you see, all these chapters are fundamentally important in the process of becoming a perfect storybook hero. Please read all of them. Like, starting right now.

Happy Questing!

 _Richard Small, Professional Storybook Hero_

*The author of this book has no idea if this is an actual term or anything. He just made it up… heh.

**Smalltown Publishing does not guarantee that you will ever go on a quest or be a hero at all.

***Smalltown Publishing is not responsible for any injury; sickness; dismemberment; physical, mental, or emotional toll on you or your loved ones; lost possessions; uncovered secrets that you were better off not forgetting; or death that was caused on your quest. Neither is the author; however he does apologize for any of the above things that may happen on this quest.

****The Narwhal of All Sins is not a real animal.

 **CHAPTER ONE: WHAT TO BRING**

The essentials for all living animals are simple: food, water, shelter, and oxygen. So, keep this in mind when you're preparing for your trek across the world to save a dragon, or any other related quest you may be going on. Of course, you're going to need a few other things, but these four vital supplies are CRUCIAL for your success on any quest. Think about how longs things will last before they perish.

The easiest thing on this list to acquire, as well as probably the most important, is good ol' air! No, because this is the freaking medieval times, we haven't found a way to store and pack it yet, so just be aware if you may be going to regions that are underwater, or have a high altitude, that your lungs will be craving the stuff! If you are unable to survive in these areas for numerous reasons, then I suggest staying away from them. Yes, the Lava Kingdom (which can be found by jumping into your local lava pit) counts too!

Ah, water. We all need it. And it is relatively easy to find, you may sometimes find yourself stuck somewhere without water, like the desert or the Lava Kingdom. If you are at these circumstances, consider hunting down a local animal and sucking its blood. Yes, just like how a vampire would. Look at you, knowing so much! However, another solution would be to find a plant like a cactus (this is a tip for if you're trapped in the desert, not the Lava Kingdom). Break it open and enjoy whatever water you could find inside! If you can't find water, flora or fauna, then I suggest you just throw up your arms in the air and yell "That's it, I give up! Tell Jessica that I love her!" or possibly "Oh, why?! WHY CRUEL GOD WHY?! JUST TAKE ME OUT OF MY MISERY!" Hey, these screams may even attract the locals to come to your aid!

Food is probably the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of things to bring on your quest. However, do take in mind how most foods can go bad in a couple of weeks! To protect yourself from this happening, I suggest stealing. Yes, that's right, steal. Burglarize, rob, whatever floats your boat. Brandish your sword in the air as you scream "GIVE ME YOUR FOOD! I AM STARVING! MUST GET FOOOOD!" What is that? That doesn't seem like something a perfect fairytale hero would do? Oh, give me a break. All the heroes do it. How did you think that mighty prince who traveled for YEARS to slay the dragon and save the princess keep himself from collapsing from hunger? Did he get a day job? Please. Your minor crimes will be forgotten once you do your heroic deed.

And, last but certainly not least, shelter. I was going to write about how you can make a tent out of a tree branch and your wife's fabulous party dress, but screw it! _Just scare (or better yet, murder) the people in one of the houses you stole food from and sleep there!_ See, problem solved! Heroism is EASY!

Now that we've got the basics down, here are more miscellaneous things you should pack:

-A torch. No doubt that you'll be wandering around in the dark.

-Garlic. Again, lots of night wandering, which means you'll be in the presence of vampires.

-Potions. While they may seem to be hard to find, as not many sorcerers are around anymore, they can be vital to your quest. If you don't happen to know any sorcerers, don't worry. Do your best to track down one and rob their house while they're gone. Remember: magic is very popular. Do not try to go up against a sorcerer.

-Clothes. While we will cover armor and weapons later, regular clothes will make your journey much more comfortable.

-Armor. I won't go much into depth about this either, but armor is a good thing to have on you for questing. The basic armor parts are a helmet, a breastplate, gauntlets, the tasset, and then the three parts that cover the legs: the cuisse, the poleyn, and the greave. Make sure to get your armor from an expert, and that it is strong and not made out of jelly (I am totally not speaking from personal experience here).

-A sidekick. I mean, c'mon, all heroes need one. If you can't persuade anyone to go on this quest with you, just kidnap some kid or something. Don't worry; he'll be happy and famous in no time!

-Your courage. No matter what quest you may be going on, you will for sure need it.

 **Weapons**

Now, I won't completely in depth on every single type of weapon out there and how to use it, but I will talk a bit about them. All weapon types vary in many ways, with the most popular being swords and the bow and arrow. No matter what weapon you choose, make sure that you receive proper training on how to use it, or at least know the best way to kill your foes with whatever it may be. Here I have compiled a list of the best weapons:

1\. Swords. Swords are the popular fairytale classic: think about it, you never have heard of a story that has a prince saving a princess from a dragon with an axe! There are multiple types of swords, which I have decided to not go in-depth about. However, all that really matters in whatever type you choose is your ability to slice a monster's head off. I mean, that's all you really need to know.

2\. The bow and arrow. Now, this weapon is a little bit harder to master, as you need good aim and as many arrows it will take to bring your foe down. I personally do not recommend this type of weapon for a perfect storybook hero, as you really need good distance away from your enemy for the bow and arrow to work to its full potential. Plus, then you don't get to see any blood. And what fun is that?

3\. An axe. The problem with the axe is that it is usually associated with villains. I mean, what prince charming carries around a freaking axe? However, axes are very badass, so that could work in your favor.

4\. Magic. You know, if you happen to be a sorcerer hero guy. (But I bet you aren't.)

5\. A pack of wolves. Pros: It's a pack of wolves, how sweet is that? Cons: Training wolves.

6\. Lances, which are useful long-distance weapons.

7\. A fucking gun, if you like to conform to society. Please note that guns are NOT classic fairytale weapons.

8\. A catapult on wheels. Actually, this weapon is very personal to me. You see, my ex-girlfriend was a catapult on wheels. We met on the battlefield. For years we were in love. But then she just LEFT ME FOR SOME STUPID GUILLOTINE DOUCHEBAG! SAID SHE ONLY WANTED TO DATE INANIMATE OBJECTS! SHE BROKE UP WITH ME THREE MONTHS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP! I cried for days. Suzy, if you're reading this, please come back to me…

9\. Knives. While they may look simple, and most are pretty easy to use, the art of throwing knives is hard to master. You must learn to aim.

While there are surely loads more weapons out there, I have decided to only cover these select ones. Look around to find more types to see what matches you!

Now, reader, I see that you have got the knowledge of what supplies creates a hero. I highly suggest following this list to ensure you have the best quest you possibly can have. Remember: the four basics for life are air, water, food, and shelter. Armor and weapons will help you take down that monster, as well as other miscellaneous supplies like a torch, clothing, and your sidekick. And don't forget your bravery, which is what makes a perfect storybook hero!


	6. Chapter 6: Well, We're Screwed

**BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS: AN AUTHOR'S** **NOTE**

Hey guys! Lovely Thursday we're having, am I right? The reason I'm posting today is because I wouldn't be able to Friday, due to stuff. So, enjoy this kind of early chapter!

In other news, I was thinking of perhaps having a Fantalia Q+A thing? Like, you guys can send me questions about the story, this AU, or just writing in general through either a review or a PM. Then, I would either answer them in a separate chapter or at the bottom of a chapter. Would that be cool? If you want me to do this, then just send me questions! I'll answer them either next chapter or in one of the other chapters.

Favorite and Follow if you enjoy this story, and please review!

* * *

 ** _Once Upon A Time…_**

A hero was panicking.

"Tony, we are _so_ screwed." Alfred nervously kept glancing from his open copy of HEROISM FOR DUMMIES and the open road, frowning as if demanding an answer. "I mean, this book says that we need a TON of supplies and stuff, like water and weapons and… TONY!" he shouted to the daydreaming sea serpent, who obviously couldn't be bothered to listen. "They suggest that I should lug around a sword or a catapult on wheels! I've never even HELD a sword before! How am I supposed to find one and use it to save some prince?"

 _You know what? I know that Alfred's in trouble here. But honestly, I am so ANGRY at him NOT LISTENING TO ME and RUNNING OFF WITH SOME VAMPIRES that I refuse to help him. That's right. Take that, perfect storybook hero!_

"tHat'$ y0Ur pr0BL3m, n0T M1n3!" Tony gave a snarky response.

"Well, it actually IS your problem, because the second option is for me to just improvise and use YOU as a weapon!"

Tony paled, quite a feat for something that was already silver. "Y0u W0uLDn't."

Alfred smirked. "Oh yes I would."

"w3LL, WhaT aM 1 $uPP0sSe t0 D0 ab0Ut iT?"

"I don't know! But it wouldn't hurt to start actually caring!"

Tony did the magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a sigh. "f1N3… i cAR3, I Car3. wHAt'$ y0Ur $0LuT10n?"

"Um, well… do you have any ideas?"

"n0."

"Maybe we should just keep walking?"

"r3aLLy? tHaT'$ y0Ur GraNd Id3a?"

"Do you have anything better?" Alfred glared at Tony.

"uGH, WhaT3V3r."

The two bickering friends continued on the dirt path that led out of town, Alfred occasionally glancing to his left and right. At first, Tony pretended not to notice, but after he did it for the fiftieth time, he couldn't bare it anymore.

"wHy d0 Y0u k33P g1AnCiNG t0 Th3 Sid3?" Tony inquired.

"Huh? Oh, it's probably nothing." Alfred abruptly replied.

"y0U $33m t0 Th1Nk iT'$ $0m3tH1Ng."

"Well… I'm just getting this creepy feeling. Like we're being watched."

 _Who's following them?_

"r3a11y?"

"Yeah. And, well, this is going to sound really insane."

"WhAT?"

"I keep on hearing this faint voice. Like, it's in the back of my head, but also… not. It seems to linger all around me. Narrating my every move. Making comments on my life choices."

"y0U d0N't $ay?"

"What?" Alfred turned around to look Tony straight in the eye. "Do you hear it too?"

Tony gave the magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a shrug. Alfred, who wanted to know more but was also so, so tired and quite honestly didn't want to start another argument, turned back around and continued walking, a slight sigh escaping from his lips. This was it, honestly. This was his journey, his quest. His salvation, that one thing that would get him from being some kid who had no friends except for a sarcastic sea serpent and a lone wizard on a hill, to a celebrity. He imagined what it would be like once he rescued the prince and was going home, the people all crowding around him, their cheers echoing with his voice. "Alfred! Alfred, our hero!"

Sucks that getting to that point required so much _walking._ So, so much walking. Through the town then through empty fields, the dirt path and a crumpled wallpaper-map being their only guide. According to said map, they were going in the right direction; however, they were far away from their goal. This meant, of course, more walking.

Soon it didn't even have a name anymore. It was just the countless command for his right foot to move forward, then his left, then his right again. Right left right left right left right left right left right left right left.

Rightleftrightleftrightleftrightleftrightleft. And there was only so much conversation he could make with Tony.

"Hey Tony, tell me that story again with that duck that wandered into Arthur's house again."

"l3aV3 m3 A10n3, Y0u ImB3ci13!"

Sigh.

Finally, for better or for worse, the path ended. Where it should have been stood an enormous forest. The thick oak trees intertwined with each other, like good friends. Grass sprouted up in various spots that weren't entirely covered with mammoth mushrooms. Squirrels and chipmunks darted through the trees and the ground, popping up in between the little cracks in the giant boulders that seemed to dominate the entire woodland.

"Crap," Alfred stamped the dry ground "now what do we do?" Tony, ignoring his question, just kept on floating into the vegetation.

"w3 K33p g01Ng, dUMba$$." He called back to our hesitant hero. Alfred followed, a tad nervous.

"Well, we're not going off course." He checked the wallpaper-map. "I guess there isn't any harm in this."

 _Oh, yeah, what's the worst that could come from wandering into some shady woods unarmed? Ugh. Reader, please inform me when my characters are dead. I would rather not watch._

Inconclusively, nothing jumped out at them right away. In fact, the largest animal Alfred caught the sight of was a doe, who stared at him with blank eyes. It really was beautiful. The way the sun hit the leaves and trees and rocks, the way the animals seemed to move in a synchronized balance, how-

"aHhHhhHHHhhhHHHHHhHhhhHHhHH"

 _Oh dear._

Suddenly, his entire world shook. Tony's screaming was the only thing our hero could hear over the blood pounding in his ears as his entire world was turned literally upside down. Panic crashed inside of him like a giant wave. He started to hyperventilate, as his heart was pounding. Alfred's mouth was opened wide, but suppressed any screams. He was midair, falling, falling to his doom.

It became very apparent to Alfred that he was probably going to die.

 _I suppose I should be a bit more depressed about this news, taking in the fact that he is my main character. But honestly, I suppose it makes me a monster to say this, but I am filled with joy at this news. Alfred had… problems. He was too stubborn to listen to me, and seemed to trust pure strangers out of the blue, even vampires! He went so far as to say that they could possibly be his friends! I can't believe it. Alas, Alfred was reckless and immature. It is no surprise to me that he has passed. I've even prepared a little speech:_

 ** _Death of the Perfect Storybook Hero: A Eulogy_**

 _Alfred F. Jones, as he liked to call himself, was a brave young man of the new millennium, full of energy and ambition to help the world. He did this by embarking on a tedious quest to save the kidnapped prince Feliks from the monstrous yeti Ivan. Alas, he failed. I guided him as best as I could, but he refused my advice, instead doing frivolous things like running off with strange vampires and petting dogs he did not know. He may have been irresponsible, but he had a good spirit. He… well, he was the perfect storybook hero. He deserved better. He deserves that title._

 _I knew him rather well, as I was the narrator to his story. He was a good protagonist to me, again, he didn't listen, but that made him interesting at times. However, now his rebellious nature has caught up to him, as he was killed while wandering in a forest. Let his spirit rest in peace. He will be missed by his friends, and while he only had two, Tony the magical sea serpent and Arthur the sorcerer…_

 _…_ _Arthur. Oh God, how will I ever be able to explain this to Arthur? Alfred was really the only friend he had left in his life, besides those odd imaginary ones. And I promised to keep him safe. I… I promised. And I screwed up. I… I fucked up. That's it. It's over. I MESSED UP! I MESSED UP NOT ONLY FOR ME AND MY STORY BUT I MESSED UP FOR ARTHUR! Arthur, who had had enough tragedy in his life already… Would he be able to forgive me?_

Thump.

 _I was too wasteful. I was too self-centered. I forgot about my characters._

"Wh-what's going on?"

 _Huh?_

Alfred was not dead. Our narrator jumped to conclusions due to the mysterious way the text described him being captured.

 _Are you kidding me?!_

His head was thrown against something scratchy yet soft, something obviously woven… a net. Alfred was trapped in a net. His arms began to instinctively wave around frantically, only grasping more rope and colliding with a certain magical bubble.

"wATCh 1T!" Tony snapped.

"Where are we?" Alfred yelped.

"w3'V3 B33n caPTuR3d, DUmBA$$." Tony replied.

"By who?"

"Silence!" A sharp male voice broke up their bickering. "Your fighting is giving me a headache."

"Who are you?" Alfred tried to turn around, but Tony's large bubble kept him from doing that.

"I'll ask the questions." The thing, whatever it was, was quite angry. "For example, what are you doing on my land?"

"This is your land?" Alfred felt an odd surge of relief. So this was just all a big misunderstanding. He could explain how he didn't know it was the creature's land and they could be on their way.

"Yes, and I don't like people snooping through it." Alfred flinched as he saw out of the corner of his eye the glare of a cold metal blade.

"Please, sir, we didn't know this was your land." He tried to reason. "Me and my friend were just wandering through, on our way to the Arctic."

"Really?" the thing seemed skeptical. "Who are you? Everyone knows not to come here. They're all afraid of me."

"Well, I guess I was never told. I don't have many friends." He added at the end. The thing hesitated, then, with one swift movement, cut the net with his sword. Alfred and Tony both tumbled out, scrambling to their feet to catch a glimpse at their captor.

The first thing Alfred noticed was that he was obviously not human. Not far from it, but not completely human. The man's skin was grey and cracked at some places, exactly like stone. Otherwise, he looked like a perfectly normal adult, with his blond hair slicked back neatly and his blue eyes glistening with ambition and order. He stood like a military general, and could be one, Alfred thought, if it wasn't for his odd skin.

"What are you?" Our hero asked.

"I take it you mean _who_ are you. I am known as Ludwig the rock troll." He paused. "I am rather surprised you've never heard of me."

"Why? Are you famous or something?"

"Well… I used to… I used to eat young heroes. But I don't anymore!" he added, seeing the horrified look on Alfred's face. "I've changed. I tried to open up a place where I could equip young heroes with armor and weapons, to help them instead of hurt them. Business failed, unfortunately. The townspeople did not believe that members of my species could change. They… they tried to hunt me down, to kill me. That is why I have all of these traps lying around."

"I wasn't trying to kill you, I swear!"

Ludwig sighed. "I know, and I'm sorry for capturing you. But I want to be left alone. Please leave." He was beginning to turn away when Alfred spoke.

"Hey, you said you owned a weapons and armor place, right?"

Ludwig glanced back at Alfred. "Yes, but I don't serve humans anymore."

Alfred stared down at his worn boots. "Look, I'm sorry to ask you this, but I'm trying to save a prince from this evil monster but I sort of just took on the quest without knowing what I needed and I was planning on getting my supplies from this sorcerer guy named Arthur but he kind of freaked out on me and said that I was too young to go on a quest and now I'm stuck here with no food or water or any sort of supplies and I seriously need help and I'm beginning to wish I didn't take on this quest but these fairies came to me and-"

"Hold on. You said that some fairies came to you?"

"Yes and they told me all about the quest and it seemed really cool and I just thought-"

"What were their names?"

"Uh, Feliciano and Lovino."

"Hmm," Ludwig considered "I happen to know Feliciano personally, and how he does do that to young heroes. He gets so excited about a quest, delivers it, and forgets that the hero may not be fully prepared. He has the best intentions." Ludwig added hastily.

"Yeah, and now I don't know what to do because-"

"Look, I'll help you out. I still have some old human armor that I was going to throw out, anyway. Besides, you seem like a good kid. I would feel partially guilty if you died."

"You will? Oh my god thank you Ludwig thank you thank you thank you!"

Ludwig smiled faintly. "You're welcome."


	7. Chapter 7: HEROISM FOR DUMMIES, AGAIN

**BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE**

First of all, I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I was busy this week/ sorta procrastinated, then on the day I planned to basically write it, I got sick. But I have recovered, and have a brand new chapter!

As for questions, feel free to continue sending them. I did get one, and I will answer it after this chapter.

Favorites, follows, and reviews are appreciated! Thank you to all who have done so already!

Without further ado, Fantalia!

* * *

HEROISM FOR DUMMIES: A GUIDE TO BEING THE PERFECT STORYBOOK HERO

 **CHAPTER TWO: HOW TO DEAL WITH OTHER HEROES**

Now, I don't want to sound like a dickhead or anything, but the real chapter of this title would actually sound a lot more like: **CHAPTER TWO: HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR COMPETITION.** I'm not gonna go all mom on you and start preaching about how heroism is not a competition and that everyone's a winner as long as they do good, because that is a cold hard LIE. Heroism is totally a competition. Everything is, really. You will find yourself comparing your deeds to others, especially bigger and better ones from bigger and better people. They will laugh at you; scorn you for thinking that you could dare to be called a 'hero' for your inferior deed. They will challenge you to races, fights, and games. You could find yourself on the floor, totally wasted; wrestling the guy who had dared to say that his dragon was meatier than yours. Do you think that I would get jealous at bigger and better heroes, that is, if they actually existed? Of course. Jealousy is a normal part of being in a competition. Soon enough, it will fully consume you. However, do not fear. This is good, as it means that you will become fully driven to constantly pursue quests. Embrace the ambition. Bathe in its warm, tempting glow. Feel it slither into your veins and feast on your blood. Let it, for it will guide you to greatness… yes… yes, do this… do it all…

 _The scene: what remained of a currently long-lost place called the Kingdom of Mist. (Today, it is known as the infamous Forest of Spirits.) However, at this time yesterday, it was a grand and bustling landmark, known for its rich history and serene forest landscape. Fire seems to engulf everything; everything that can be seen at least, for smoke is rising out of the main castle. Children and their parents are screaming, running frantically around the perimeter of the gated fortress. A man stands in the center of the blaze, contemplating. We watch as a young woman wearing deep grey robes trimmed with white approaches. Perched in her sleek brunette hair is a golden tiara._

 _Richard Small: I saved you. That was my job._

 _The Princess: I am one person. Look at all the lives you have destroyed today._

 _Richard Small: They are monsters. They deserve to die._

 _The Princess: Look at them! They are people. They do not represent their government._

 _Richard Small: Of course they do! They are scum, all of them. These are your enemies. They are the ones that captured you. Don't you want to watch them burn?_

 _The Princess: Stop! They didn't even know I was in that tower! They're innocent. Please, stop this slaughter. Just… stop._

 _Richard Small: Never! They deserve to burn and die._

 _The Princess: Do you not realize that they have feelings as well? They're in pain._

 _Richard Small: Good._

 _The Princess: You don't care, do you? All you want to do is kill. You're a disease._

 _Richard Small: They would have fought me to keep me away from their beloved tower._

 _The Princess: They didn't know! I'm sure you could of found a better way._

 _Richard Small: I did what I had to do to save you._

 _The Princess: You don't care about saving me! All you care about is being famous. Becoming the best 'hero' the world has ever seen. Saving more princesses then your opponents._

 _Richard Small: That's not true!_

 _The Princess: That is_ _so_ _true. If it isn't then look me in the eyes and say that you would still be here if you weren't going to be famous._

 _Richard Small: I- [pauses]_

 _The Princess: You monster. You have been poisoned with ambition. See these people! They are dying, and all because of_ _you._

 _Richard Small: I had to do what I could to save you!_

 _The Princess: But at what cost?_

Sorry, got a little carried away there. Whew! Sometimes, when I've been sitting down, scrawling on this paper for too long, I tend to drift off and just start randomly talking. I suppose I don't have to erase it, because then that would mean that I would have to replace what I said with some advice that might actually have to do with this book. Boy, isn't writing a bore? I could be doing more productive stuff, like bashing in the head of some Minotaur, or strangling snakes with my bare hands. Proving how big and strong and great I am. Instead, I'm rambling about how to best other heroes.

Which is really the thing you want to do. (Best other heroes, that is, not ramble about it.) Don't take into mind that they also have thoughts and feelings, friends and family. Forget all of that. All that matters is that they could be a threat to their pride. Destroy them before they can make a move. 'But,' you may be asking, 'how would I ever be able to succeed in this endeavor?' Well, that's when trash talking and stupid pointless competitions come in. These sorta immature things will ensure that you best those other heroes. And I, Richard Small, the master of trash talking and stupid pointless competitions, will be helping you along the way!

HOW TO TRASH TALK:

Trash talk is the best way to totally dominate your opponent. It's quick, easy, and unless they are super super slick, usually the fool will just be left blubbering nonsense, surprised by just how awesome you are. Believe me, I speak from experience. For best results, sneak up on them and yell in their exposed ear your slick burns. Here are some excellent examples that you can totally steal from me. No, making sense doesn't matter as long as you scream it in their ear.

-"Your mother is so obese that a vampire would gain twenty pounds if they sucked her blood."

-"You're so ugly, orcs don't even try to fight you, because to fight you than they would have to look at you. HA SUBMIT TO MY SWEET BURNS! OOOOH I GOT YOU SO BAD! OOHHHH!"

-"You didn't slay that dragon, it died of boredom! Because you're really boring! Haha get it?"

-"If your sword knew how much of a loser you were it would slice your stupid head right off!"

-"I bet that the reason why you have no friends is because you scared them away with your idiocy!"

-"You goddamn coward!"

\- (Fun fact: to use this sweet burn, you must first climb a tree) "Ha! Look at me! I'm in a tree and YOU'RE NOT! THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A PIECE OF BALONEY!"

-"You're a cow!"

If these sick burns don't work, then consider randomly trying to kiss your opponent. Now, this may sound completely odd and counterproductive, but it will totally confuse the hell out of the other guy! And I'm sure that it would be absolutely HILARIOUS. If you decide to do this, make sure that you record it on videotape and send it to me!

WHAT STUPID POINTLESS COMPETITIONS TO ENGAGE IN WITH YOUR OPPONENT:

Stupid pointless competitions are great for asserting the fact that you are better than any other hero out there. Please not that cheating is not bad. In fact, I personally recommend it. But if you see anyone else cheat? KILL THEM IMMEDIATELY.

-A footrace. This is a classic challenge of speed and endurance. Make it a mile. Make it two. Make it five. Be like the Greeks and race naked! Actually, don't do that. That would be awkward as fuck.

-A swordfight. 'But', you may be asking 'couldn't that result in permanent injury/death?' Well, yes. But you need to think about it: if your opponent dies, then what's the big deal? That's even cooler, because that means that you killed them, therefore you are so much stronger and better than they are. If you die, well, then I guess you just aren't a real perfect storybook hero. Impostor! You deserved to die.

-An archery contest. No, it doesn't matter if you don't know how to shoot or have a really poor aim. If you're losing, just take an arrow and stab the other hero in the back!

-A joust. This is a classic, and you don't even need to use real live horses! Naw, all the cool kids these days use untamed bulls instead! Seriously, try it! And make sure to send a video to me, Richard Small!

-A hunt. No, not one of those hunts where you try and capture animals, silly! A hunt where you and this other hero try to _hunt each other._

-A fashion show. Now, I have never personally used this one because my taste in fashion is less than impeccable, but if you're good at color theory and cutting fabric, well, this might be the thing for you! Just a hint: pins are not only good for poking holes in mannequins.

-A cooking competition. Now, I have to warn you that this is the most dangerous and strenuous contest on this list. At the end of it, you will be sweating from running around trying to find the perfect carrot. You will stress over the fact that your soufflé is overdone. You will freak out over the one hour time limit. Be warned, this is not a competition to be taken lightly. Do not underestimate the power of the oven. And do _not_ underestimate the power of your opponent.

Well, that concludes my short talk on how to deal with other heroes. Remember: if all of the above fails, just punch them in the face and run away as fast as you can. This will be one-hundred percent effective for confusing the shit out of them. And if it doesn't, well, then I guess they must be a fucking robot or something because seriously, how could you not react to _that?_ I remember when I was on my first mission, I ran into this asshole who said that it was not my business to rescue the princess, as the king had already sent "trained professionals" to help her. I laughed. If "trained professionals" actually existed, then there would be no need for heroes! And how stupid would that be? Anyway, another important thing you need to remember is that…

 _The Scene: The most prominent tower in all of the Kingdom of Mist. Outside, people are screaming at a muscular man who is climbing up their precious landmark. This very man is rather good looking, with a tall, well built body, wavy brown hair, and bright blue eyes. He has royal blood, and is very arrogant about it. This man goes by the name of Richard Small. Richard Small stops at the first window of the tower, punching the fine stained glass to let himself in. Inside awaits The Princess. The Princess is a fine young woman who is the heiress to the throne of the Kingdom of Clouds. She is docile, and very sweet, but gets agitated at injustice. While she did have a name, Richard Small never found out what it was._

 _Richard Small: Princess, come out and greet me! Gaze upon your fantastic suitor._

 _The Princess timidly steps out to greet our handsome prince. She gazes into his hypnotizing eyes, his silky locks. He is very good looking, and she knows it. However, after a few seconds her eyes widen with fear. She takes a few hesitating steps back, and finds herself with her back to a cold stone wall. There is no door she can close. There are no other corridors or hallways she can run down. There is nowhere she can go to escape her prince. Richard Small gives her a small sort of smile, but he is confused why she is so panicked. He's not an ugly fellow. In fact, quite the opposite. Why would she try to run away from him?_

 _Alas, he does not notice what she is staring at._

 _His hands are covered with blood._

* * *

 **AFTER THE STORY: AN AUTHOR'S** **NOTE?**

 _Which is less of a note and more of an answer._

Anne asks: _"_ _I like Ludwig the rock troll~! Also love the way you render Tony's dialogue in chat speak. I think that works really well. So, for questions, will you have any romance in the story at all or any pairings? Just curious."_

I haven't really planned out any pairings that will totally change the story. I guess I could say FrUK, but I don't know if I'm going to make it a romantic relationship, or even mention it at all. If I do, it'll probably be like "Yeah this extremely shitty thing happened that you don't remember." I was thinking of perhaps doing some America and Belgium? Maybe? I feel like The Narrator will have a fun time trying to matchmake her hero with someone, even if it doesn't work.

Oh, and Richard Small will definitely try to flirt with The Princess, not caring whether or not his hands are covered with blood.


	8. Chapter 8: Vash and Lili

**BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Hey guys! So, sorry for the late update, I've been busy... The only reason I'm writing this note is for a favor. I really want to be a writer when I get older, and I really do need fair, honest, blind critique on my story. So if you have the time to write a review discussing what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong, I would really appreciate it.

Anyway that's it! Thank you all so much for reading Fantalia! (Ack, that sounds so much like it's ending soon... It's not, I promise.)

* * *

 ** _Once Upon A Time…_**

"So, Tony," Our young hero began his sentence carefully, knowing that his friend was easy to anger "Have you ever heard of anybody named Richard Small?"

The hero-and-sidekick duo merrily strolled out of the collection of boulders and creepiness that was the shady forest, grins adorned from their excellent luck. Alfred was sporting a fantastic coat of armor, which was the brightest shades of silver and white, paired with the deepest and most regal of reds. It was a white tunic embellished with the image of a majestic eagle covering a rusted chest plate, having metallic shoulder pads and a belt. Our young hero sported metal boots as well as a brand-new sword, which might not have been the longest of blades, but made up for that in thickness. He brandished it with pride, ready to proceed on his quest. Tony was sporting… Well; Tony was sporting his newfound relief that there might be a slight chance that he wouldn't die.

 _Okay, okay, the armor was a good decision. Onto the story. Please._

"1 kN0W tHat H3 f0Und3d SMA11T0wN." Tony replied.

"Well, I know that, but apparently he was on a mission to rescue this princess who was locked in this tower in the Kingdom of Mist. Huh, they never taught us that in school!"

"w3 N3V3r w3NT t0 sCH00l." Tony pointed out.

"You didn't, but I would sneak in and watch from the windows." Alfred retorted. He frowned, remembering how he couldn't go to the kingdom school because of his parents' death. Arthur found him on the side of the road and took him in, but forgot to register him for kindergarten. He reassured our young hero that he would teach Alfred all the magic there is to know, as well as the subjects all the other kids were learning. And while he did for science, math, and literature, he never told Alfred much about world history. Honestly, Alfred wasn't sure that Arthur knew about stuff like the Kingdom of Mist and a princess locked in a tower. He had said that he had always lived a life of solitude, and wasn't caught up on current events. When Alfred asked why the sorcerer would never go out and socialize for too long, Arthur simply stated that he was brought up that way.

Still, even with a somewhat solid education, a ten year old Alfred craved something that Arthur could never provide: to meet children his age, to play and learn with them. Alfred was very lonely, you see, and was often bored out of his skull around the shady house on top of the hill (as soon as he turned eighteen, he moved out to a small apartment closer to the town square). Arthur was often busy with important sorcerer work, so he rarely had a chance to play with the rambunctious boy who roamed the halls, fake wooden sword in hand. Instead, he told an impatient Alfred to "play with his magical friends", something that our young hero didn't quite grasp in his immaturity. What friends? What magic? The boy surely didn't see any of the fairies or winged rabbits that Arthur had often told tales of. So he pretended that he saw his own, thinking it as a little game that people would play. Arthur, along with his "friends", would furrow their eyebrows as they watched Alfred scamper along, grasping at thin air.

"Are you sure he's alright?" Flying Mint Bunny always asked.

"I think he's just confused." Arthur would reply.

Anyway, the point is that while Alfred did get an okay education, he was never informed about places like the Kingdom of the Mist, or a princess who was locked in a tower. However, this unknown knowledge would not bring our valiant, persistent hero down. Alfred would not let the fear of ignorance belittle him. He would continue on his quest, eventually saving the prince. And then maybe he would learn what the Kingdom of Mist was.

"y0U KN0w, 1 th0UGhT ThAt tH1$ qU3St W0UlDn'T taK3 $0 mUCh _wALk1Ng."_ Tony whined.

"Yeah."

After a couple more hours of dehydration, despair, and desperation, our hero and his sidekick were wandering in yet another forest. However, this one wasn't as dark or eerie as the one that Ludwig lived in: it gave off no vibe of decay, only light. The trees stood above our duo, like giants, their trunks thick with age and their branches strong with the weight of many seasons. They did not seem to shut out the light, but summon it. Colorful flowers grew in small patches around certain trunks, like the riches to a king. Grass covered the spongy dirt floor. An old wooden sign tacked onto a tree with rusty nails proclaimed the place as THE FOREST OF MELODY.

"Well, this looks a lot prettier than that other stupid forest." Alfred blatantly stated. Tony gave a magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble equivalent of a nod.

"iT w0ULd B3 a L0T _M0r3_ pR3tT13r iF 1 wA$N't $0 DamN hUNgR3y." He added.

"Well, we still have this." Alfred waved the small sack of bread and sausages that Ludwig also gave the traveling duo, knowing that they might run low on food later in their quest. "I'm really glad that he gave us some food. If we didn't have it, then I would have to resort to what my book says and steal." Alfred frowned. "And I don't really think that that's right."

"wHAT D0 y0U m3aN?"

Alfred shrugged. "I don't think it should be something that heroes do."

"BuT tH3 b00K T0lD y0U t0 D0 iT."

"Well, I think that the book might be a bit wrong with that statement."

 _Is he saying that the book that Vladmir gave him is filled with false information? Well, obviously. I bet that the book that stupid vampire gave him was meant only for weird vampire-y propaganda. I wouldn't be surprised if it leaped out and bit him!_

"y0U TH1nK tHat'$ p0$$iB13?"

"I think it could be. Whatever, I'm just glad we don't have to steal."

For the next ten minutes, our hero and his friend ate in silence. While the crusty bread was stale and left a lingering _bleh_ taste in their mouths, it was to their surprise that the sausages were impeccable. The meat was perfectly cooked, and seasoned by the gods. Alfred was positive that they were the best thing he had ever eaten. Like, _ever._

However, they were wonderfully salty, which led to Alfred and Tony being plagued with possibly the worst thirst ever known to man, or magical-sea-serpent-inside-an-even-more-magical-silver-bubble. It was not just a simple thought you have at the back of your head that says "oh golly gee, you should get a drink!" It tore at their hopes and dreams, threatening to pulverize them. It manifested itself to be the only thing our duo could think of. And this showed itself, inside and out. You see, our hero and his pal hadn't drunk a droplet of _anything_ in the past twenty four hours, and, due to the enormous amount of walking, they had accumulated quite a need for water. They were more hungry than thirsty before, so it was a bit easy to ignore. But now, their stomachs were full, so it was hard to ignore just how parched their bodies were. Also, those sausages were pretty salty. Didn't we mention that before?

"We should find some water." Alfred panted.

"aGR33d." Tony then proceeded to float away into the trees behind him. Alfred shrugged. He supposed that Tony was in a more everyone-fends-for-themselves kind of mood, which was a mood that Alfred had grown accustomed to. He picked himself up off of the grassy forest floor and just decided to aimlessly wander through the forest in search of a stream or a brook or something.

"Well, this sucks." Alfred said to no one in particular. He felt lost and alone, as he randomly wandered these vast woodlands. Tony ditched him, and he had no idea where to find water from. Oh, if only he had a little voice inside his head guiding him to where he needed to go…

 _Ughhhhhhh. This is so BORING. There is legitimately a stream only like fifty feet away from where Alfred is standing. He just doesn't know that because all of the stupid trees are in his way!_

Wait. Alfred looked up to the sky. Was he insane, or… _was_ there a little voice inside his head?

 _Yes, Alfred, there is. Your own fucking arrogance has kept you from hearing me on this entire quest._

Alfred looked around, puzzled. He could hear a faint whisper in his mind, but he didn't know where it had come from. Was it dangerous?

 _No, I'm not dangerous! Ugh! Alfred, take a turn to your left and walk until you reach water! Believe me, there WILL be water._

Alfred shrugged. Must just be his subconscious. He had thought that his thoughts would sound more like him, but oh well. He decided to follow this strange voice.

 _…_ _These are the imbeciles I have to put up with for a good story._

Sure enough, after about five minutes, Alfred did hear the distinct trickle of water. Excited, he mustered up the rest of his energy and sprinted to the source of the noise.

There stood a small stream of pure, fresh water. It was probably one of the most beautiful sights Alfred's eyes had ever seen. The clear liquid danced over shimmering rocks, in such a way that seemed like a mirage. Sunlight hit it, sending sparkles and reflections across the barren dirt. However, at the base of it all was the most curious thing: a fallen statue of an angel, its wings broken in half with a soul-shattering crack. The angel's eyes stared blankly at our hero, not sentient, but with an attitude that appeared a little more than completely dead.

Our hero ignored the bronze statue, however, his own thirst overcoming any odd sights that could ever exist. He rushed over and engulfed his entire head into the stream, gulping down the fresh liquid. It brought life to his throat, to his muscles, to his skin. He felt like a hero again. In victory, Alfred pumped his fist in the air and hollered.

 _Too bad that Alfred hasn't noticed that he isn't alone._

Alas, what our narrator had said is true. A man, in fact, another hero, and his small fairy companion were standing across from the brook, giving our hero strange looks.

Finally, when Alfred had drunk as much water as he possibly could, he finally glanced up to see a short young human with short, silky blond hair and emerald eyes staring at him. The man wore a long green cape, and some weird white blobby thing atop of his head. He carried a longbow made of oak, and a quiver full of lethal arrows.

The longbow, in particular, stood out to Alfred especially because it was fully loaded with multiple arrows and pointed straight at him.

"What the hell!" Our hero screeched, and leaped back. The man furrowed his eyebrows. Only when the young fairy girl who was with him whispered something in his ear did he lower his weapon.

"Why, hello." The fairy greeted. She was small, extremely small, but Alfred didn't know if this was because of her height or simply an illusion because of how delicate-looking she was. Her blond hair bore stunning resemblance to the man, as it was the same length and style. However, she wore a deep blue ribbon. Her eyes were also green, but vaguely tinted blue. She wore a long, striped red dress. Her wings were as thin as paper, and a light gold.

"Um… hello?" Alfred brushed himself up, still shaking from his unwanted encounter with the sharp tip of an arrow.

"What are you doing here?" The man screamed. However, the fairy raised her hand in his direction to silence him.

"My name is Lili, and this is my brother, Vash."

"Don't tell him our names!" Vash protested.

"Why not? He doesn't look like he will do any harm to us."

"He's a stranger! Of course he could do harm!"

"He doesn't look like a bad person."

"Just wait until he shows his true colors!"

"Hey, I'm right here!" Alfred was getting frustrated at the hero and fairy's inclination to talk about him when he was _right freaking there._ Vash and Lili turned around and stared at him apprehensively. Suddenly, Alfred felt an odd feeling in his stomach. He _totally_ wasn't doing what the book told him to. He felt a rush of adrenaline, commanding him to take up a competition, to prove his dominance. He smirked at Vash.

"Bet you think that you're such a hot-shot hero, huh?"

"What?"

"So, how many princesses have _you_ saved?"

"…None." Vash looked down at his feet, obviously uncomfortable.

"That doesn't matter." Lili frowned at Alfred. "Vash saved me. Of course he's a hero."

"Yet you've never even been on any quests." Alfred scorned.

"What do you want?" Vash sighed.

Alfred didn't know if he wanted to dive straight into a competition. In fact, he didn't really know what to do next. While insulting Vash had felt… A little reassuring, honestly, but did nothing to loosen the knot in his stomach. He felt confused, and kind of terrible. Those little whispers in his subconscious that told him that he could never be a hero did not cease. In fact, they only grew stronger.

"You're a cow!" Alfred blurted out.

"What?"

"Don't say that!" Lili scolded. "Vash has done so much for me, for everyone! What have you done!"

Alfred paused. Those little voices in the back on his mind seeped through the walls he had put up, coming to life right in front of his eyes.

He had climbed into a hole he couldn't get out of. He was trapped, helpless in those stupid insults he had decided to share. Who cared about who was the better hero? Alfred's breath sped up. He didn't know what to do. What could he do?

All he could do was continue the terror he had brought upon himself. It was hypnotic, uncontrollable. He scrambled up the nearest tree, frantically remembering what the wise Richard Small had told him. "Hey, I'm in a tree and you're not! Because you're a loser!"

Lili gasped. "I don't know who you are, but you're very mean, sir!"

Vash glared at Alfred. "Whatever. C'mon, Lili, let's go. Other heroes are idiots." He started to stamp in the other direction, Lili timidly flying behind.

Alfred sat up in the tree; paralyzed, watching the hero and the fairy walk away, whispering concerns into each other's ears. He watched them walk away _together._ A family.

 _A FAMILY?! God, why does Alfred care about that junk? They're losers! I bet that Vash isn't even a real hero! Does our hero WANT to be like these imbeciles?_

 _Who does Alfred even want to be? A hero? Well, he isn't acting like one!_

He felt himself longing to be there with them right now, no matter how many dragons they were going to slay.

Perhaps Richard Small was wrong in his advice.


	9. Chapter 9: MORE HEROISM FOR DUMMIES

HEROISM FOR DUMMIES: A GUIDE TO BEING THE PERFECT STORYBOOK HERO

 **CHAPTER THREE: WILD CREATURES YOU MAY FIND**

When you journey a lot like me, you tend to see some pretty wacky things. The wackiest of which is the exotic variety of fauna one encounters on their quest. Now, a little known fact about most creatures is that they are pretty much scared of perfect storybook heroes. Or at least when you show your dominance over them by flailing your weapon of choice at them, letting out your mighty call of "GET OUT OF MY WAY, MONSTER!" The thing about this tactic is that the monster you are facing may just be a more humanoid type of animal, probably one who understands Basic English. If you do this to them, they will stop in their tracks and stare at you with a confused look in their face. This, in return, will make you feel quite idiotic. And the most important thing that you DO NOT want to do is question your authority over _anything_. This will begin the process of crippling self-doubt. And when you doubt yourself, so do princesses.

Princesses…

 _Princesses…_

 _The Scene: A damp and musky room inside an empty tower. While the exterior of said tower glimmers and sparkles in the sun, the interior has not been cleaned for many, many years. Spiders have slung their webs up into corners, and a faint scurrying of rats can be heard underfoot._

 _Trying not to wrinkle his nose at the filth, Richard Small sits on the mossy stone floor. The Princess is next to him, blind to the grubbiness of the place. She has roamed this tower for as long as she could remember, so she could not look at it and wish for a clean mansion, as the dirt is all she's ever known._

 _The two are trying to have a conversation._

 _Trying._

 _Richard Small: Well, I must say princess; you are as gorgeous as I imagined you._

 _The Princess: [Ignoring the compliment] You keep making a weird face._

 _Richard Small: What?_

 _The Princess: It's like you're disgusted, but also in quite some pain. Is it me?_

 _Richard Small: No, of course it's not you! It's just… [Sneezes]_

 _The Princess: Bless you._

 _Richard Small: I don't need to be blessed, I'm a perfect storybook her- [Sneezes again]_

 _The Princess: Are you okay?_

 _Richard Small: Of course I'm okay, why wouldn't I be- [Sneezes for a third time]_

 _The Princess: Is it all the dust?_

 _Richard Small: What? No, that's preposter- [At this time, the sneezes were becoming rather repetitive]_

 _The Princess: You know, I've read about these. While they're still a new concept to the general public, scientists have been exploring them for years. Some people appear to be far more sensitive to foods, animals, and even simple things like dust. There have even been reports of people dying, only from eating certain foods!_

 _Richard Small: That's called poison._

 _The Princess: No, the foods weren't poisonous, not at all! When other people ate them, they were unharmed!_

 _Richard Small: [Sneezes] Well, whatever you're talking about, I certainly do not have it!_

 _The Princess: What makes you think that?_

 _Richard Small: It's obvious. I am a hero. And heroes don't have these kinds of weaknesses._

 _The Princess: What are you talking about? Of course they do!_

 _Richard Small: How would you know? Are YOU a hero?_

 _The Princess: Are you one?_

I've decided to compile a list of the strangest creatures you will find on your journey, starting from least dangerous to most dangerous.

 **Docile Creatures:**

 ** _WRITTEN BY THE PRINCESS. RICHARD SMALL MAY TELL YOU THAT HE WROTE THIS BIT, BUT HE DID NOT! HE IS LYING! HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HALF OF THIS STUFF! HE'S PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR, MURMERING SOMETHING ABOUT SNEEZING AND HEROISM, THE FOOL! I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE THIS PORTION, DUE TO MY EXPANSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF LOCAL FAUNA._**

1.) Now, one of the most common animals you will see on your quest will probably be a **regular ol' rabbit.** We will not be covering **regular ol' rabbits,** but we will take some time to talk about their magical cousin, the **magibunny.** A **magibunny** might appear like a **regular ol' rabbit** to an untrained eye, however, if you spend a few seconds in their presence you will start to notice what makes them extremely different. The cool little guys make everyone in an about ten mile radius from them giddy. They also are known to create little trails of sparkles wherever they walk, and when grazing, can flush a bright pink, green, yellow, or blue.

2.) The fish equivalent to a **magibunny** would be the highly praised **striped wizard's keeper.** Their name has a dark history to it, as they were hunted almost to extinction for their impressive powers. You see, a **striped wizard's keeper** gives off luck and determination, two things you will need very much if you wish to succeed in any endeavor, especially the complicated practice of heroism. If you happen to spot one of these little suckers, catch it immediately. **Striped wizard's keepers** have thin, sleek bodies that are completely black, except for the multiple stripes running down their backs, either rainbow-colored or a bright gold.

3.) While songbirds are pretty much useless except for maybe food, one of the most mysterious, fascinating avian beasts is probably the **warp jay.** Not at all related to the blue jay but instead named for their outward appearance of a completely charcoal (the color of the males) or black (the color of the females) version of the famous bird, **warp jays** do not pose any kind of threat to a human except for completely weirding them out. These birds do not emit a high pitched warbling- telepathically into only one head in a fifty foot radius. They usually choose the most complex life form in the area, so when groups of travelers come across a **warp jay,** one person may start to complain about how loud the birds are. The other members of the group, in confusion, will ask that one person what the hell they mean. This will continue until the other members get fed up, call said person insane, and possibly kill/eat them if their complaining persists. Despite that fact, I still consider the **warp jay** a docile animal.

4.) **Actual vampire bats** , unlike their cousin the **vampire bat,** actually possess the vampiric virus, which is not an actual disease, but we're just gonna call it that. It's actually a wizard's curse that is distributed when special saliva of the infected host, kept in their fangs, enters the blood stream of another organism. Please note that **actual vampire bats** only have this special saliva and none of the normal kind, therefore they can infect anyone with no conscious choice over it. Even though these creatures possess this curse, they do not try to spread it. Instead, the spread of it was fueled by revenge. It became a common and feared practice to poison the children of your enemies. Even today it is known for special vampire 'hit men' to seek out the family and friends of major political figures, celebrities, and really anyone with cultural significance. The vampire's curse CANNOT be reversed. On a side note: **actual vampire bats** are known to be very friendly and not harmful at all- unless you get some saliva on those open wounds of yours.

5.) **Fairies** are not often seen as "real" animals, for they are loved by humanity due to their helpful natures. However, they do have severe biological differences from us, including being smaller (about 1/5 of a human), not needing nearly as much food or water as we do (only a bit of honey every other day), having a natural grip on magic, and obviously, their very detailed wings, replicating those of insects. **Fairies** are known the most for guiding young heroes on their quests. While they will serve as guides, they would never go on an adventure themselves.

6.) **Ghosts** are spirits of the dead, technically not an "other species". However, I have decided to include them. Not much is known about **ghosts** , as they tend to be isolated from the world, living in dark and dreary forests, or remains of once-great villages and cities. They have the ability to bend their appearance at will, either keeping themselves at what they looked like at the point of death, or making themselves look older or younger. They can effortlessly float through the air, and pass through solid objects. They are the only kind of creature that cannot be given the vampire's curse.

 **"** **Neutral" Creatures: (animals that will only attack if provoked)**

 **1.)** Looks can be deceiving with **the spotted-boned snake.** Yes, its fangs are about five feet long, and retract out of its extremely thick skull. Yes, it has three poisonous glands that spew a scent rather like strawberries when it feels provoked. Yes, it has eight eyes running down its scaly snake back. But they have _such_ nice personalities.

 **2.)** The **hugbear** is one of the most terrifying creatures known. It has legs as long as tree trunks, and is not afraid to approach and squeeze the holy heck out of you. However, all it wants is to make friends and possibly be swept off its feet in a romantic gesture. Thus why it is so scary.

 **3.)** Everyone with a slice of a social life has heard of the infamous **invisicat.** While it does pose no real threat, it makes a habit of breaking into homes and eating all of the red meat. What horrific face this creature bears, no one knows. You can only sense its presence by a small shuffling sound and a low growl.

 **4.)** Once not believe to be real, **merpeople** are a very friendly and social species that can be found in oceans or other large bodies of water. They spend their time frolicking in the water, often giving humans things like shells and free fish. They appear to be people from the waist up, but have the bottom half of a fish, as well as gills. It is not uncommon to see a **merperson** with two tails: but don't point it out! They're sensitive about it.

 **Aggressive Creatures:**

1.) The **lavawolf.** Known to travel lengths of fifty miles from its home habitat, this deadly, unholy offspring of a canine and fire can scorch you by simply touching your exposed skin. It is known to possess a deep growl, which suits its ebony pelt striped with bright golds, oranges, and reds. These colors are known to be more prominent near the eyes, ears, muzzle, paws, and the tips of their tails. Do not approach with caution- do not approach at all. They will feel highly threatened in the presence of a human, especially a female if she has cubs. But honestly, who can blame them?

2.) The infamous **yeti.** Absolutely nothing is known about these elusive creatures, except that they live up by the arctic and possess all motor skills that humans have. Just like with vampires, their creation was due to a wizard's curse.

3.) The **GIANT FREAKING SPIDER.** Named in a hurry by an unlucky explorer whose name and life has been lost for centuries, the **GIANT FREAKING SPIDER** is just that- a GIANT FREAKING SPIDER. While most normal spiders are scary, we all have to look deep inside ourselves and admit that they are not harmful to us. However, the problem with this certain species of arachnid is that they do not eat flies. No, flies (and other insects) are far too small to satisfy their hunger. No, they eat humans. The **GIANT FREAKING SPIDER** can be found in any type of forest. Or desert. Or cave. Or anywhere, really. They're not really picky about their shelter. Have fun sleeping tonight…

4.) **Trolls** are probably the most common type of monster that could pass as human. According to the Department of Humanoid Creatures, there are many, many different breeds of **trolls,** from the **common rock troll** to the fiery **lava troll**. All trolls are known to have a taste for human. They are known for luring humans into their traps and slicing them up alive, devouring the fat first and saving the organs for last. But that's just a rumor with not much scientific backing. There were multiple experiments to see what **trolls** like to eat first, but all of the subjects, as well as the scientists, did not make it out alive.

5.) While I would like to argue that **vampires** are not animals, society seems to disagree with me. Science does, as a **vampire** is only a human who has been cursed (I've explained how the 'virus' works earlier), still technically human. However, **vampires** get a bad reputation, as they are often only seen as bloodthirsty monsters. This is because, for a time period of one hour after consuming blood, a **vampire** goes into a sort of "high", ripping any living thing in sight to shreds. Nothing that is harmed in this high is in contact with the saliva, however, so some hope is still there for the people that were wounded. But that's not even the most unsettling thing about the vampire's curse. While **vampires** mature into adults, they do not age past about thirty years old. They are immune to all other diseases, and are stronger, faster, and more agile than regular humans. They can cling to surfaces with more ease and are known for their sharp fangs, which can be used as a weapon. The only way to kill a **vampire** is to stab it in the heart. They do, however, have natural weaknesses. If a **vampire** stays in direct sunlight for too long, it will begin to burn. All natural predatory animals, unless put under a spell, will act aggressively towards them. However, their biggest weakness is their thirst for blood. If they do not feed for too long, they will suffer from headaches, insomnia, lethargy, chills, fevers, and hallucinations. There has never been a recorded account of a **vampire** who tried to swear off blood.


	10. AN AUTHOR'S NOTE REGARDING THIS STORY

**THERE IS NO CHAPTER: AN AUTHOR'S NOTE**

Uh... Hey, guys. Sorry, but this isn't a chapter.

That's the bad news. The good news: I haven't stopped writing this.

I just wanted to make that aware, as one could certainly assume that I gave up on this story after I haven't posted a new chapter in... What? Three weeks? Four? I don't know. The thing is, I've been busy with real life. This story generates no profit, and stuff like schoolwork and other projects that will prepare me for college have been deemed more important. Sorry (not sorry).

BUT I WILL CONTINUE ON. I LOVE this story so much, I would be really sad if I just gave up. Anyway, this is sort of just an apology that there hasn't been a new chapter soon, and also a request: could you please spread this little fanfiction around? For instance, tell your friends about it. Have them read it. That would be appreciated.

Another thing that I really want is real critique on my writing. Yes, I know y'all might be afraid to criticize something someone does on here in fear of getting banned, but I would really like an in-depth, honest review of this story and my writing skills. I would love it if someone could rise to the task.

Sorry again, and thanks for reading this.

-Aerocheetah


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